2010: You bleed just to know you're alive..

"When everything seems like a movie..yeah you bleed just to know your alive.."

Weird, I'm not really a fan of football, then again we all know how good I am at scoring during futsal..lol.. but seriously hands up to the MALAYSIAN TEAM! ..For once, I'm actually proud of this country of mine. And well, 31st is a public holiday, though it doesn't really make any difference to me..there's gonna be massive jam in KL!! ..yikes..so much for new year~

Anyway, its a good way to end the year..2010!! ..hmm 2010, was it as bad as 2009?? I don't know, pretty much the same I guess.. Learned a lot, hugged a lot, cried a lot, smiled a lot..laughed a lot too.. hmm balanced! ..

Will 2011 be as awesome as 2010? ...hmph.. I'm afraid to even hope for it..lol.. well, when you dont expect much, you dont get disappointed much too..but I decided to have one resolution, that it to NOT make any resolution that WILL NOT last..hehe..for example, LOSING WEIGHT! ..because we all know, it will cost me a miracle! ..;p

So I was listening to this song IRIS by Ronan Keating.. I've been listening to it for many times this year..and I still find it very hard to grasp its meaning..

"You can't fight the tears that aint coming..

Or the moment of truth in your lies..

When everything seems like a movie..

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive..

And I don't want the world to see me..

Cause I don't think that they'll understand..

When everything's made to be broken..

I just want you to know who I am.."

And today, I finally understood what it means... "when everything seems like a movie...you bleed just to know you're alive" ...because movies are usually fantasies, a dream.. something that normally ends with "happily ever after..".. like when everything seems to be so perfect, some has to happen to wake us up! And that's where we bleed, to know we're alive to face our fears, to come back to reality! ...because reality, after all is so much better than movies!..=)

And when everything or everyone else is gone.. and you're left without anything..still, thats not a reason for you to change who you are.. and what your holding on to..=)

hehehe.. I just find that song very unique, very deep meaning of lyrics that you got to ponder upon it to really grasp the meaning..

And before I leave this year, here's a special thanks for you wonderful people out there.. who stayed by my blog, when I lost all hope to post something.. when I needed a shoulder to cry on, you volunteered your whole body.. when I was desperate to talk to someone..you were literally here, reading every line, in another word, I was actually talking to you!..when you dont mind listening to my crapping and vanity..my sighing and whining about the storms of life ... to my family, though they despised this blog of mine..heheh, if its not for them..I wouldn't be where I am right now..to my relatives, who enjoys reading this blog, thank you!! To the strangers out there, whom I've got no idea.. thanks a lot!!

Not really, I'm not really planning to delete this part of my life, because everything I wrote here, tells me..about who I really am, what I hold on to, who am I going to be. It will be like deleting my self... So I will continue, though compared to last year, the number of post I posted has dropped..lets see what's in store for next year..=)

And before I leave.. I find this song has a very deep meaning too! ..which talks about two friends..and the magic that happens! ..

"Tale as old as time, true as it can be..

Barely even friends..then somebody bends..

Unexpectedly..

Just a little change, small to say the least..

Both a little scared, neither one prepared..

Beauty and the best..

Tale as old as time..Tune as old as song..

Bittersweet and strange..Finding you can change..

Learning you were wrong..

Certain as the sun..Rising in the east

Tale as old as time..Song as old as rhyme

Beauty and the beast.."

And I officially declare that beauty and the beast my favorite fairytale!

Hmmm..I think its time to change "written dreams"..to something else and give it a new look! ..what you think? ..;p

p/s: To the one above, thank you most of all for telling me to "hold on" when I almost gave up..=)

Back! ..=)

WOOOOTTT WOOOTTTT!! ..hehehehe.;p ;p

I wish to say I just got off my car all the way from JOHORE..broke open my house door..slipped down while making my way to my room..switched on the pc, rushed through the network, ignored FB and CITYVILLE.. just to open this page and start crapping something... lol..unfortunately its been like 3 hours after ALL that..hehhe.. well anyway.. WELCOME BACK PPL!! ..hehehe...yes, its suppose to be the other way round..but since I can't really hear you...so yeah! ;p ;p

So how's Christmas..?? How's mine? ..hmmm pretty interesting I guess. The same normal, exciting Christmas every year..

But I learnt somethings at the end of it..

• That sometimes.. no matter how hard you try, you can't possibly change another person, if and unless they have the desire to do so..
• That sometimes you got to learn how to sacrifice, if you want to draw a smile on another person..
• That its not about you all the time..
• That everyone wears a mask..whether you realize it or not..
• That no matter how much one hides.. deep down inside..there is a sense of emptiness..
• That something happens to you..if only you allow it..
• That nobody said this life would be easy.. but it all depends on how you look at it..
• That it takes guts to actually admit that we have done something wrong..and not many have it, sadly..
• That Christmas is not really about the presents and wine.. its about being together, a family.
• That the true meaning of being a follower of Christ is to love unconditionally..the old, the mentally disabled, the hater, the killer, the rascals, the alcoholic, the pedophile, the rapist, the whore, the fragile, and the ones who have hurt us because no matter how much we hurt God and his people.. He loves us just the same, as much as all the saints and angels.. 

Ok, enough of lessons learnt... I'll post more on my Christmas in Johore, tomorrow k? ..hopefully! ..hehe =)

Blessed Christmas 2010! ..

So I played cityville like to the max!! .. Cause after this, God knows when will I be able to face technology again! ..hmph.. but I still have my pink mobile with me..so ya'll know where to get me..if the world is gonna end! ..=)

Anyway, it was 2 full days of shopping and travelling.. was it worth it??! .. Minus, "the-carrying-heavy bags" and the "walking-up-and-down part".. it was!! ...hehe..because sometimes, when you take a moment to think about others.. and the smile on their faces when they receive a gift.. its an irreplaceable feeling! ..and not forgetting.. the number of cute guys i spotted! ..heheeheh..cuci-mata  giler-giler k! ..

oh, and guess what?? ..I was so semangat this Christmas that I wanted to wear a saree..and that..THAT..grrrr.. I cant even curse!! ..that nutcase taylor sewed my blouse WRONGLY! .. the whole thing is WRONG!! ..sighhh..why oh why??! ..just when I thought, this Christmas is going to be different, some nonsense just has to creep in eh? ..Lord, please don't make me look that bad.. I mean, yes it is your Birthday and we all know I look gorgeous in anything..but pretty pleaseee, just this once!..thank you! Amen!..lol please excuse the vanity!

And not only that, I think I kinda broke someones heart today! ..ssiighh.. You dont wanna imagine how I feel..but yes, I didn't have any choice.. and I don't feel good, cause I might have lost a dear friend too..

The thing is, I don't know how these things work, alrite! ..I don't know what the rules are.. I don't know where are the limits.. I dont know what to say when.. I dont even know how and what I feel!
How in the world I survived for the 20 years..I have no idea.. Seriously, I hope I'm not the only one..with the weird thinking.. please tell me, sometimes you do feel weird too!! ..sighh..

Lastly, before I leave.. I would like to humbly apologize to everyone if I've hurt you in one way or another.. In my thoughts,words.. or actions.. Or in this blog it self.. if at all, you felt hurt.. I'm truly sorry.. You know me, I say things that I don't mean..

I hope you have a blessed Christmas! ...and dont miss me that much..

Till we meet again!..

p.s
Christmas, isnt Christmas..
Till it happens in your heart..
Somewhere deep inside you..
Is where Christmas really starts..
So give your heart to Jesus..
You'll discover when you do..
That its Christmas..really Christmas..
For you!!

So I learnt to trust..

So you missed me?! ..;p well, if you did, I apologize.. for as much as my fingers itched to blog..I simply cant find the time to do so. Cleaning, cleaning and cleaning..but nothing is really clean!! The carpenter guy kinda made it worse! ..=( and of cause, my line got disconnect as well due to the hammering and drilling.. lastly, Bernadette, my 6 year old cousin, was absolutely adorable..that she made sure I was no where near the computer!..and I actually pestered her TO NOT GROW UP! ..and she was close to tears because SHE WANTS TO GROW UP! She'll be whining and sighing..till I say "Yes, you can grow up!" ..lol.. I know, I can be such a bully sometime!

Sighhh...you may think I'm halfway out of mind.. but seriously if I had a choice I wish I'd never grow up..
Yes, I really really wish.. I never grew up!! ..sigh...

Anyway today was fun and probably one of the best weekend I've had so far.. Saw LIM after 2000+ years!! ..He looked the same.. crazy and skinny..flirty as usual! ..;p ;p .. Helena and Rosalind was there too! .. Helena, tall and talkative!! Rosalind, pretty and sweet!! ..Awesome-ness to core! I forgot when the last I laughed so much.. and I couldn't stop talking.. Food wasnt that great..but with great company anything kicks in! ..=) oh oh and we played poool!! ..woohoo.. and so she does not only kick balls into the goal post during futsal..but she hits them too!! ..right into the hole on the pool table!..;p ..LOL.. like seriously la k.. and I actually hit the last black ball in!! ..weeeeeee!! ..hehehe.. sorry sorry..  a bit over-excited d!! ..=)

And so I thought.. they are many many friends we may meet in this world.. but the ones who truly knows you in and out.. who doesnt mind if you make a fool out of yourself completely.. who has your back all the time.. whom you can trust completely seemed to be your high school mates! ...and here's the best part.. YOU NEVER RUN OUT OF TOPICS TO TALK ABOUT!! ..It just goes on and on.. and you can talk about anything and everything! ...hmm

Speaking of trust..I've realize something else today too..
How much do you give yourself the chance to trust someone??
Is there any certain period of time, till you can actually trust someone?
And if you tend to trust someone because they whisper words you wanted to hear.. whose fault is it?
And then you told yourself over and over again, "Don't trust!!" ...and then someone comes and changes your mind.. and you say, "Maybe, just maybe..this could be it!" ...and the same whole damm thing happens again.. what do you do??

Weird, just when you decided to trust the heart.. it decideds to take a wrong turn. And since it beats all logic and senses.. it is unable to see reality. And then you realize, aahh..maybe I should have used the "head" this time.. because the head might not see what the heart does.. but somehow it builds fences and walls around the heart as a protection..=)

And now we're back to square!! ..Why, is it always me.. I have no idea?! ..Perhaps the ONE above loves me more..and so HE keeps on playing HIS games with me ALL THE TIME! ..sigh.. I don't know why am I made so very fragile and then I keep on breaking all the time! .. Its seems logic to be strong and endure all things with courage and strength! ..But its a lil unfair to be breakable and having to face the same storm too!! ..hmm

Err ok, sorry for the EMO-ness.. well, you know me.. I can be hyped up and buried at the same time.. Well the thing is, sighhh.. I'm just not like everyone else out there you know,..='(

And so the answer all my questions.. I found this!! Perfect timing I tell you!..Read it till the end because it made me stand up again.. and face this world! and yes..it brought tears!

My Precious Daughter (A love letter from God to His Daughters)

My precious daughter,

I will never leave you,

I will never forsake you,

I will be faithful until the end,

You are more than just "my daughter"

You are my princess,

My beloved, my delight,

I rejoice in you,

You are beautiful,

You shine with light,

You have dove's eyes,

I rejoice in you with singing,

I will quiet you with my love,

Hold you in my arms,

Never let you go,

For you are never alone,

You never have been alone,

I've been with you all along,

Your whole life,

I understand your pain,

My sacrifice wasn't for nothing,

Let me tell you I understand your confusion,

I understand your anger and frustration,

I understand your tears,

And I care,

Very much,

For you,

Everything that is important to you,

Is important to me too,

My love for you will never end,

I will not leave you for another,

I will not abandon you ever,

No matter how far you go,

My love will never end.

I have examined you heart,

I know everything about you,

When you sit down or stand up,

I know your thoughts,

Even when you are far away,

I see you when you travel,

Or when you rest at home,

I see the tears that fall from your eyes,

I see the heartache in your home,

Believe me I know the lies,

I know the temptations,

But I am here,

I know what you are going to say,

Even before you say it.

I go before you and follow,

I place my hand of blessing on your head,

Such knowledge is beyond comprehension,

It is too wonderful for you to understand,

You can never escape from my Spirit,

You can never get away from my presence!

If you go up to heaven, I am there;

If you go down to the grave, I am there.

If you ride the wings of the morning,

If you dwell by the farthest oceans,

Even there my hand will guide you,

And my strength will support you.

You could ask the darkness to hide you,

And the light around you to become night,

But even in darkness you cannot hide from me,

To me night shine as day,

Darkness and light are the same to me,

I made all the delicate, inner parts of your body,

I made your heart,

I know what makes you hurt,

I know what makes you cry,

I know what makes you tick,

I know when breaks your heart the most,

And I know how to comfort you,

I know how to make you smile,

I know how to love you,

I know how to be a daddy who loves,

Such a beautiful daughter like you,

You long for acceptance,

When you were already accepted into my family,

You are fearfully and wonderfully made,

I love you more than you know,

I will fill your heart with the love and peace you long for,

I saw you before you were born,

I knit you together in your mother's womb,

Even then I loved you,

And I was proud of you,

And I thought of you as my beautiful daughter, my princess,

Everyday of your life is recorded in my book,

Every moment was laid out,

Every moment that would bring you joy,

Every moment that would bring you pain.

My thoughts about you are precious,

They cannot be numbered,

They out number the grains of sand,

And when you wake up in the morning,

I am still with you,

I love you more than you know,

You are beautiful to me,

Even though you feel something is always wrong,

Just look into my eyes,

See how I see you,

A beautiful princess,

With beautiful eyes that shine with my love and my light,

I love you,

And I will say it again,

I love you,

My princess, my beloved,

My precious daughter,

I love you,

I love you,

I love you.

Don't give up,

For I see the brokenness in your families,

In your friendships,

I see the pain in your eyes,

Your beautiful heart,

That used to be so filled joy,

Is now crushed beneath your burdens,

But you're still beautiful to me,

So beautiful to me,

I will heal you and restore you once again,

My precious daughter,

I will never leave you,

I will never forsake you,

I will be faithful until the end,

Faithful until the end...

Your loving Father and Daddy, Prince of Peace, King of Glory,

-Jesus.

And before I leave, Bernadetter was so eager to comb my so-called long black hair..and this is what she told me.. "if you go to the salloon, and change your hair to red colour, you'll look exactly like Princess Ariel, the mermaid!!" ...

weeeeeeeeeeee!! ...

From tumblr

So I went through my TUMBLR today.. and I found some quite interesting quotes..

Let's play a game..:
It goes like this!

1. You find a partner..
2. You play around, have fun, share secrets, tell stories, hang out, cry on each others shoulders, think about forever..
3. Here's the trick, YOU CAN'T FALL IN LOVE..
4. Because the first one who does.. LOSSES! ..

Yeap, been through that one before..=)

There are 3 kinds of secrets..

• Something that you hide at the bottom of your heart, because you don't want it to be mentioned..
• Something that you can't say, even if you want too!
• Something that you hope, someone asks about, even though you're hiding it! ..

Yeap, all three exist!

• She wanted so much to be part of "his" world.. that she forgot she has her own.. 

hehehe.. nope, its not me.. but it was so close to being me..=)

• Sometimes things in life, don't go your way..but all you have to do is smile.. and say "it will be better, God will make it better.."

I love this very very much! ...=)

• If home is where the heart is..then wherever you are..that's my home!..

And now I understand..why I still feel like I'm searching for a home! ...lol...

• God is NOT finished with you.. the best is yet to come..=)

Oh yeap..there;s more! ..A lot more!

• I don't mind being there for you.. I just mind being the one you run too when evryone else is buzy! ..hmph!

hehehe..;p ;p

• I have learned to stop loving someone..unfortunately..I'm starting to not love anyone else either. or at least give them a chance! ..=(

sighhh..

This is  my favorite!! ..

Snow white was poisoned with an apple..
Aurora(Sleeping beauty) ..slept for 100 years..
Jasmine, feel in love with a thief..
Cinderella was a maid..
Ariel walked on land by changing her fins..
Belle, feel in love with a beast! ..

So we know, every fairytale creatures had their own the storm.. and do we..=)

Lastly,

Because I know how it feels to beg God to take it all away! ..

We can do more!

"Why do I have to break your heart..before I fall into my knees.."

So hows the weekend?! ... Well it didnt make any difference to me, considering the fact that I'm at home 24/7!!
Anyway the Christmas tree is up.. light not working though.. Shopping, not done.. Presents..way wayyyy not done! ..Cookies..lets not even get there k! and lets all give a big thanks to my sis, because until her exam is done, none of us can do anything! or so my mom says..

Anyway since I'm seriously running out of topic and I'm sure you dont wanna hear me ranting about FARM VILLE... and ohh..I found this new AWESOME-PAWESOME game called, CITY VILLE! ..which is even more addictive..hehe..

So lets talk about the charity dinner, where I got invited to not waste RM150. Coincidence, you think? I don't know why I have this silence voice in me that insist everything happens for a reason..and hence I look at everything and everyone that there's a reason why I'm here.. there's a reason why I met you.. and there's a reason why am I writing this.. weird, I know..

So back to charity dinner.. its to build a new home for all the special kids.. Special meaning, autistic, down-syndrome, mentally ill kinda children.. I'm not sure how you look at them.. but I used to look at them full of sympathy and pity.. but I was wrong.. cause that;s not what they need or what they're asking..

As I was enjoying my dinner.. there were 2 performances by these kids.. a sarawakian dance, and a japanese dance.. It was pretty simple and relaxing. It was the 3rd performance that made me tear like nobody's business.. It was a song..and they will be showing the actions to that song.. I'm sure you've heard of "YOU RAISE ME UP.." ...I've heard it like about a 1000 times.. and got bored of it.. but the moment I heard the violin strummed at the beginning of the performance.. I had goosebumps.. and when Mr Edmard, the chairperson.. started singing..*He has the exact voice of Josh Groban!*.. Tears rolled down my checks! .. I didnt have any idea why.. but I couldn't stop..

And I begin to realize something.. I have a perfect family.. A roof on my top of my head.. Nothing is clearly wrong with me..except that I need spectacles.. and well I can be really weird at times.. but other than that.. geezz.. I'm fine! ..And to think that I have the biggest problem ever..and to complain about everything.. ohh my, we all can be heartless at times..

And look at these kids.. they can't speak properly, some of them are wheel-chair bound.. they can't be left alone for fear they can endanger themselves.. They can hardly fight for their rights.. And what's gonna happen when they have to live on their own?? ..and their soul mates??!

Still, despite all this.. they have the guts to up there.. and make me tear.. and say to the world, "Whatever you can, I can too!!" ...

They taught me something... that my worries are NOTHING compared to others out there.. and what in the world am I doing here, playing farm-ville.. when I actually do a lot more..
They also kinda told me, "If I can do this, You can DO MORE!!" ...

We all can do more.. do what?! ...
Anything that could make a difference someones life.. like one of the greatest gift we often forget about is FORGIVENESS! ..ok that came up randomly.. but seriously, when someone hurts you and take away everything you have.. the only way that you can completely overcome it..is forgiveness.. and stop complaining!! .. Like for a minute.. instead of thinking of OURSELVES and OUR problems.. we could at least offer a lil prayer..=) Trust me, it will help!

Because the true meaning of life..is when OTHERS are happy..because of YOU! ..

Without a home?!

And sometimes random songs get stuck in my head at random moments..

Please say..

What I need to hear you say..

Say I'm thoughtless and foolish..

But say "Its not too late.."

Now I don't know exactly

Where we go from here..

But trying is the only way to know..

And I wanna come back home!

Show me the way..to make a start..

Show me the road back to your heart..

And I've learned the only truth that I need to know..

There's a million places I can go..

But without you it aint home..

It aint home..

It aint home, yes please believe me..

Don't give up cause we're half there..

We're at the crossroads in the middle..

Between hope and between despair..

All I need is some direction..

Let me know you'll wait for me..

Cause where you are..

Is where I'll be..

and this song too.. I only remember the chorus though..

Country roads..

Take me home..

To a place, where I belong..

West Virginia,

Mountain mama..

Take me home..

Country roads..

I have no idea what "home" my mind is trying to tell me.. but it aint a good feeling!! ..grrr

And this last one too..

If your a heart without a home..

A rebel without a cause..

If you feel as if your always..

Stranded on the shore..

Like a thief in the night..

Let me steal your heart away..

But baby, its for a reason..

What your looking for..

Your a heart without a home..

I'm a heart without a home?? ..and then if you did steal my heart away.. that leaves me without a heart and without a home?!? sighhh..

lol.. yes, the girl is getting crazier day by day.. 

Please pray for other intelligent and worth it post next time!