Monday, October 31, 2011

Some updates.

Hello, my name is Juan Margrita Gabriel Thomas. I am 21 years, 4 months and 16 days old. That's old enough to be considered as an adult but I don't feel like it. Cause right now, I just want to go back home, crawl up in my bed, cover the sheets over my head, have my mom hug me, and cry out loud!!! .... ;(((

Seriously, I hate myself for this. when it comes to a chaotic situation, I just turned into a jelly... And I don't know which is worst, to slip off from a person's hand onto the floor or be in crumpled in their mouth into a million pieces. sigh..

And the worst part is, I feel so alone. My sis refuse to wait for me, so she left. My mom was sweet enough to call and recognize the change in my voice and asked, "Are you alright," ..Of coz its not my nature to tell, "No Ma, I feel like crying, can you lend your shoulders?" I said, "Yes, I'm fine." now I'm stuck here all alone.

Weird, the moment when you want someone the most, somehow everyone bails out. Or is it just me being paranoid.

And, change topic.

Anyway, currently my home is occupied by sickly people. Firstly you have me, whose voice sound like a toad, and running nose, then you have sister whose sinus just got a lot worse and she started throwing up that we all asked her, "Whose the daddy?" ..;p and then we have little bernadette whose down with chicken pox. And last night, I cuddled her and put her to sleep. Hopefully, my immune system is strong enough because i'm so not in the situation  to get infected by chicken pox. honestly no. ;(

What else happened? ..hmm.. Oh yes, I had peanut butter with banana and bread today! ..yessss all three combined!!! ..And yes its deliciousssss!! ;)) Go try it! ..I think its the best breakfast I've tried it so far. Thanks to him who introduced it. ;)

And last night, my aunt told me, "Juan, please stay single. Don't get married. All man are the same. Insensitive." ..and thence the good thing about being single is that, less stress. ;)

Oh and, another thing is that, my grandma passed away on the 16th of Oct. Hence, the silence in blog. All I could think off is, "In the arms of an angel.. may you find, some comfort there.."
R.I.P, Kluang Amachi, You will always be missed.

And you wanna know another crazy thing in my life? I'm starting my internship tomorow. Yes, she's entering the working life. God bless her. Amen.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

She's a dreamer

Heyy.. ;) I was going through my usual blog visits.. and I realized, "wow!! I've missed pretty much.." ;(

And and... I also realized, damm I miss blogging! ..My blog posts are very sad, and very little nowadays. It can't be because I'm sad.. I blog when I'm sad. Busy?? ..But I blogged when I'm busy too.. ;( Lost the mood?? ..Yeap, I always blogged, when I have nothing to blog.. So possibly could be wrong?? ..sigh. Possible effects of cancer? .. or mental retardation? yeap, we stick to that. I'm ran out of ideas. ;/

So anyway, I emailed my lecturer my article for my feature writing assignment. And here's what he told me, "You are a dreamer, Juan. But I like it very much. Maybe a bit too much comment but I will let that go cos I see that your heart is in the article and that is important..."

Firstly, Yes, I admit, I am a dreamer! ..but but, how did he say that,.. how did he know? ..I can't be that transparent. You know, I always like to appear as the mysterious girl with a lot of dark secrets. Lol. Guess that would never happen, some do read me that easily. And "too much comment??" ;(( I'm afraid to ask him, what exactly he means. He's gonna think, "how exactly did this girl think she could be a writer?! ..simple English also can't be understood!" ..aikss..

And dreamer. I dream a lot. Don't ask me why. I just do. I'm not sure if its a good thing or not. Given a choice to dream or to talk.. I'll choose to dream. I don't really talk that much, you know. Erm. ok fine. I do, only with the right crowd. And Pam told me once, "Juan is in her own world again. Someday, you take me to your world ok, Juan?!" ..I laughed..

There's nothing much in my world. It's rather peaceful and serene. and oh.. beautiful. A place where I go to.. when I'm sad, happy and clueless. It's a place where there's hope.. where's there's everything I'll ever need. And that is.. at the foot of the cross. 

At the foot of the cross,
Where grace and suffering meet..
You have shown me Your love..
Through the judgement You received..
And You've won my heart..

Friday, October 14, 2011

What if trials of this life.. are Your mercies in disguise

Weird how God works... He puts you through storm and rain.. but before that, he prepares you. ;) He prepares you well enough to face it. He gives you your life jacket, or in some cases, he teaches you how to swim.. He gives you a boat with adequate amount of food. He sent angels. He gives you the proper equipment to repair the boat, incase the storm gets harder. And most importantly He asures you, that you are not in it alone.

You know how comforting is that? Because if it wasnt, I wouldn't be sitting here and writing this if I am alone. I wouldn't be listening to the song "blessing" over and over again. I wouldn't be able to think, "what's next?"

Last night, was one of the hardest night I've been through. But last night, was also the night, where I said, "Lord, I'm tired. Would you help me now? My hands are too small to carry all this burden. And I do not know anyone elses hand, who wants to share and take away this burden from me, besides you.."

They say, when God is everything you want.. then you have everything you need. Weird, how only in these times of struggles, we want him, We pray to him. We ask Him to do something. We want to feel him near. We always take advantage of His kindness.

But you know something else? ..He doesnt really care.;) He doesnt care if you take advantage of Him. Yes He hurts sometimes. But all He wants, is to be there for you. He wants you, to be near to him too. His love is way too much to give us lesser things. Amazing aint He?

What if Your blessing comes through raindrops..
What if Your healing comes through tears..
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what if takes to know You're near.
What if trials of this life, are Your mercies in disguise?"

When darkness seems to win, we know.. the pain reminds this heart..
That this is not our home..

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

To my grandma,

It's me again..:)
Yes of cause, who else can it be.. hmm

I'm not myself right now. I don't know if I will ever be. sighh..

Ever received that news where you may loose that someone very dear to you.. in just a couple of hours time.

Well I did, I never thought I would. but I did. I just stared blankly. I needed a moment, and then it happened.

I walked in that hospital..and saw her. My grandma, who is my hero, lying there helpless with a wire attached to her, breathing heavily, eyes closed. My mother broke down first. She asked me to talk to my grandma. I went nearer and said, "Amachi" ..and tears came streaming down my face. I said again, with all the courage I had, "Amachi, its me, Juan, wake up!!" ..I saw her restless. eyes closed. And suddenly her hand, grabbed mine. She held my hand for a moment. I held hers too. Her fragile hand felt so cold in mine. I cried, I begged, I called her to wake up. But she never did. Then she let go. And after one ever saw her moved that much.

To my dearest Grandma..or I'll call her, "amachi" ..

  • I wish I had that one last chance to see you open your eyes..and look at me.
  • I wish I had that one last moment, to hear you call my name. No matter how laud we say your voice is. Yes, we always make fun of it, that you can replace RTM's radio.. but for, now, I just wanna listen to it every single minute.
  • I wish I had that chance again, where I would sit down and massage your leg.. and tell you all the stories of my life.. and you would patiently listen to it.. promising me that you would keep it a secret and not even mention it to my mom. And until now, you never once breathe a word. I didnt even have the chance to thank you. :((
  • I wish I had that one chance where you splash all of us with water..using the hose.. and we would pretend we are in the biggest swimming pool ever..
  • I wish I had that one chance again.. where we would sit and play cards endlessly and laugh till our stomach ache.. and you wouldnt mind lending us all your coins.
  • I wish I had that chance again, where I would fight with my sis, on who to follow you to the market at 5.30pm. And in the market, I enjoy seeing you making friends with almost every stall owner you go to. 
  • I wish I had that chance again, where you would tell me on the phone.. what is going on in the tamil series that you were following.
  • I wish I had that help you cook in the kitchen.. and it will be your time to tell me stories when you were little.
  • I wish I had that chance again.. where you told be the secrets to cooking. Though I'll never be anywhere close to you.. ;(
  • I wish I had that chance again, where you patiently sewed all my dolls clothes. Who in the world had a grandma who took the time to sew her granddaughters doll's clothes??!! ..None, but me!
  • I wish I had that chance to taste all the delicious food where you would make us, no matter how pain your leg and hands are.. all we have to do, is just ask..and you would stay up night, making it. Be it, rojak, roti-canai.. ;( ..You wouldn't care if your sons and daughters scolded you. You just want to make your grandchildren happy!
  • I wished I had that chance again, where I would tell you my results, and you will be overjoyed, and give me the biggest hug ever.
  • I wished I had taken back everything I done to hurt you.
  • I just wish.. I spent more time with you. ;(

The past few days has been rough. Very rough. Kluang, is not like home without you. Without your voice. its quiet. I stare at your bed, picturing you there. I stare at your seat, at the kitchen, at all your stuff. I wake up every morning since Saturday, hoping its all a dream. You do know there's no Christmas without you.. ..Where else am I gonna find someone who does the exact fruit cake like you do? ...You know I hate fruit cake. But yours is irresistible. Who else is going to give an honest comment on how I look on Christmas?! Who else is going to give me that big hug and kiss on my check and tell me, "do well, in your studies, do disappoint your parents?"

Today, the doctor said, "She might be in a coma stage ..forever. The brain damage is irreversible." ... 

Dear Lord, I used to tell you, "may Your will be done." ..But now I tell you Lord, that I just want my grandma back.. I dont know what it takes.. or how it takes. You can't take her away from me.. Yes death is certain. But Lord, its my grandma!! ... sigh.. oh well, at least could you let her know, that she is not a burden to anyone.. and that we are all waiting for her to come back. And that we love her, so very much. No one can take her place! ever! You made the lame walk.. you raise the death. Nothing is impossible for you. Take very good care of her.. please. Help us stay strong in these times of trial. To pray and never cease praying. To hope and never stop hoping.

p/s I would like that everyone for their heartwarming calls and messages. May God bless you guys. 

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Yes, I'd rather love just a little too much

I have a weakness for songs with great lyrics and tune. I will listen to it over and over again..till my ears bleed. And ok exaggeration a bit.. but really..I will be on replay..everyday, morning, night, when I'm free.. And this song is kinda recent.. I mean I just listened just yesterday..and it was like a "WOW" at your face.. ;p

Oh crap.. here come the emo part. I'm sorry.. you have to read this.. lol.. but just a while k. bare with me! Trima Kasih!

Weird, you really really don't understand how it works.. You don't know what are the rules.. Or are there any rules.. You don't know if you're doing it right.. Or whether are you suppose to do it or not..  One minute, you're damm sure.. and the're back at square one. You know shouldn't trust ..or hope..or expect anything.. Pass experience have taught you a lot..and you shouldn't feel this way.. But then, there is another thing. The part where you're only human.. and you can't help but be human. ;(

Why am I posting this?? I don't know. Maybe I made some mistakes back then. Maybe I'm making one now. Maybe I want to make one..cause I'm tired of following rules.. I'm tired of holding it back. Im just plain tired..of people telling me what I should.. and what will the ending be like. Maybe I like this feeling of pain Maybe I like to bleed once in a while. Maybe I like feeling alive.. Maybe I like putting the pieces back together once its broken.. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I;m risking it all.. And maybe I rather hurt a little too much.

Because.. sigh.. because I told you, I;m human too. ;(

So here's to "A little too much~Natasha Bedingfield~"

Sometimes it hits like a car crash 
And it's to late to reverse 
Sometimes you make me a better person
Sometimes you bring out the worst
Sometimes we get on like fire 
Sometimes we're stubborn like rain 
Just when I think it's over, over 
You wave a white flag again

We follow thing we fall back in
We're always back where we begin... 

Everybody hurts just a little too much 
Everybody hurts but it's never enough 
It's wonderful to fall 
It's worth of risking all 
I'd rather love just a little too much... 

Sometimes we're trapped in the circle 
'Til we're digging holes in the ground 
We're trying, but nothing is working 
But still I want you around 
'Cause if I'm lost in the desert 
I know somehow you'll find me 
And if I drown in the oceans, 
You'll be the first to rescue me... 

Everybody hurts just a little too much
Everybody hurts but it's never enough 
It's wonderful to fall 
It's worth of risking all 
I'd rather love just a little too much 

Everybody hurts just a little too much 
Everybody hurts but it's never enough 
It's wonderful to fall 
It's worth of risking all 
Even if it hurts just a little too much 
I'd rather love just a little too much...

And yeah.. maybe I'd rather love just a little too much. ;)

Good night everyone!