Monday, August 29, 2011

I wish I was kid again.

Ok, I don't understand how exactly my heart works.. I mean never learned its lesson. Sad,.. You tried everything ..from building walls to electrocuting..but nope, it never listens. Never. sigh.

Anyway, I practically spent the whole day with my cousin, Bernadette! ..And gosh, the things you could learn from her, is amazing. I bathe her, fed her, watched cartoon with her, sang with her, took her to choir practice where she made me proud by not running around church, like she used to ;). Changed her clothes from uncomfortable to a dress that says, "Don't worry, stay cool!". Taught her how to spell "princess" "Princeness!" kinda slipped my mind and Chris asked me to go back kindergarten. ;((  And now, she's begging me to play hide and seek with her.

Its wonderful huh? being a kid? You got no worries. No expectations. No dissapointments. The hurt lasts for a second until they get an ice-cream. No hard decisions to make except to pick the colour of a crayon. No clothes to choose, well as long as its not warm or pokey. ;p No tears, except when you missed your favorite cartoon! No pain except for a scratched knee. Who cares about boys? As long as I'm concerned, they're the same! ..;p And you find joy in the simplest thing on earth, like seeing a rainbow. ;)

But of cause, life doesnt work that way. We grow. We want to grow so badly that when we reach that age we wonder, "Why did I ask to grow? I wish I was a kid again!"

But hey, its not that bad being an adult. You get to screw up life and then start it back again, even more confident, stronger and full of hope.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

For the first time

I'm dead tired to blog. So I'm just gonna say whats on my mind..

Trying to make it work..
But man, these times are hard..

But we're gonna start by.. 
Drinking on cheap bottles of wine..
Sit, talking up all night..
Doing things, we haven't for a while..
We're smiling but we're close to tears..
Even after all these years..
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting..
For the first time..

Oh these times are hard.. 
they're making us crazy.. 
Don't give up on me.. baby 

Friday, August 26, 2011


Ok does anyone of you guys know some nice, awesome songs??! I'm bored with my playlist! ;( ...I tried bugging jacynta's life last night..but she was buzy watching Koffee with Karan!! ssiigghh..

Hold on to the songs first. I got to tell you some thing. My mom is probably the most amazing woman in the whole word..but she can be very very ridiculous at times. She'll be away for the next 3 days, she printed out the schedule for us! ..;(!! oh yes..the schedule where whos in charge of clothes, cleaning and food! she does that all the time she goes away. And according to that schedule, I'm incharge of dinner for 2 days! ..Oh God bless, the family! ..But I wonder if all the other moms are obsessed with cleanliness and all that 'you-must-do-it-because-you're-a-girl' things!

Its rather sexist! ..don;t you think?! If I were a boy.. *starts singing beyonce's song-even just for a day, I rolled out of bed in the morning, and put on what I wanted and go..* hehehe..ok ..back to track. Like seriously, If I were a boy, I;m sure my name would be scratched off from that schedule! ..Ish..but then I don't have a brother to proove I;m correct. But like duuhh.. which 21 year old boy, would agree to take all the dry clothes and fold them neatly? ..hehehe.. oh maybe, I could be wrong. but this world is still sexist! ..;((

Anyway, I'll be away tonite. Probably having the sleepless and fun night ever! ..So to fill the empty-ness of my blog..I shall post this song. Its kinda old but gosh..I love it! Everytime I hid the karaoke, its not to be missed! ;))

Fireworks ~Katy Pery~

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you?

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Yes I know. A bit too old! hehehe..but awesome rite? Cool lyrics too! ..Ok I;m out!
Cheerts! ;)

Only one story, I promise! ;)

Ahheeemm aheemm!! Today, I'm not gonna tell you so many stories. Although I know your dying to hear them.. ;p But I finally found my bluetooth toggle..and could transfer some of my, "not-so-nice-but-meaningful" pics to the pc. So yes, be prepared to see the most gorgeous persons in the world. ;p ;p

Oh wait before moving on any further, I must at least tell you one story. hehe. sorry I can't help it. Just one I promise! :)

So last night, I received a lunch date from alma! ..And I was the happiest child on earth. Oh well, nothing beats a lovely lunch with your close friend. ;)

So she fetched me after work..and I swear my heart came out everytime she hit the break. That's how reckless her driving is.. or maybe its just me. lol.. so anyway.. we talked and talked all the way to Nilai to our fine dining. And when the food was served.. Its like I died and went to heaven. It was so delicious that I wouldnt mind eating it everyday. Ok, scratch that, I don;t wanna die so fast. I have this wild dream of having lotsa great great grandchildren! ;))))

 Speaking of great great grandchildren, guess what I told  my mom yesterday?!! ;))) ..oh crrappp.. I promise you only one story today rite? sssiighh..oh never mind..another day aite? Don;t worry, I got back my blogging mood.. so you might be getting bored with me..even more ;p

So here are the deserts. Apparently, one of the cake not so cantik d..;( and forgive me for the quality of my camera phone ;((

So we had chocolate moist cake, carrot cheese cake, coffee cheese oreo cake, apple pie, fruit tart and pavlova!! ;)))))))  tasted like heaven! ;)

And this is  my little cousin, bernadette.. it was taken last year.. she was 6, and she begged me to colour with her at 11pm..;)) You see the cute face? How to say no?? 

And is what I coloured!! ..heheh.. I know damm nice right?? ;p ;p

Because I babysitted her that she wrote me this note!! ..weeeeeeee!! hehehe..and she spelled my name correctly! :)

These are roses.;) Somehow they make me tear. lol..sorry I only promise you one story. Anyway they were given to my sister by saha for valentines! ;)

This one I did!! ...weeeeeeeee! hehe.. yes I did everything. The cutting, pasting, glittering! ..I was in charge of deco for Internation women's day! ;))

Yeap, that's me, with my sister ironing my hair for Easter. It didnt make any difference, since my hair was already half straight! ;(( Oh We always have our own mini beauty saloon for these ocasions.

 And there, I finally uploaded that age old pic. Hehehe.. its because gosh, did you notice how gorgeous my hair is? hehehe..*perasan moment* ..but seriously, its always when something is wrong with your face, or day, that your hair is soo perfect. But no point, I doubt anyone noticed it. 
They were buzy starring, "Goshh, poor girl ...wonder what happen to here eyes." ;((

This one..because.. daamm I miss my eyes!! ..siigghh

Ok thats it!! ...See I kept my promise.. One one story! heheh..
Have a nice day!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Dating a girl? ;p

Weird whenever I see the words "compose" at the left side of my blogging post..I always think of music.. like ceeehh waahh.. some big time composer! ..hehe.. hmm someday la k.. someday I'm gonna write this beautiful lyrics..with an awesome melody..that's gonna make the whole word silence for a while.. and yes.. someday! ;))

Speaking of music. I'm having that daymm feeling again.. you know.. where you skip every song on your playlist and go to the songs, "My Valentine" , "If your not the one", "Hero", "Beauty and the beast", "our song", "a whole new world" to be played.. and then you start back your nonsense of building castles in the air! Smilling at practically everything..siggh.. no that aint good. The last time that happen..or wait.. everytime that happens ...I will end up on top of the roof, hoping to throw my self down. Or wait. Not roof.. Roof is too low..I will end up breaking my bones.. So let me rephrase. I will end up on the clift, tied to the end of thread.. yes..looking up to heaven saying, "Lord, you shouldn't have let me listen to those songs!" wouldnt hurt that much..compared to the roof..;p

Ok, enough of my weird imaginations. Let me tell you what happen during dinner.. It was suppose to be me and mom.. but of cause.. dad got a bit jealous and said, "Why can't join?? She's my daughter too.." ..I just laughed out laud.

So immediately, my mom started.. "Juan, tell me about your 'boyfriends' and everything.." ..Again I laughed..and looked at my dad. And mom stared at my dad and said, "You should have just eaten elsewhere.. see now she wont say anything!" ..LOL oh yes.. my family is unique.. just like that..

So I told my mom a bit. A bit of here and there..and then according to her, my aunt called her and told there's this 30 year old catholic guy looking for a girl to date. After that, my mom told me something that I do not know if should laugh myself out laud or cry myself to death! she said, "when aunty rose asked me that question.. the only thing that came to my mind..was you, Juann!!" ... and i went like, "MAAAAA!!" ..

Siggghh... now you tell me.. cry because, I dont wanna end up marry some age old dude..cause no one wants me.. or laugh..because my mom is probably the cutest ever. sighh

And guess what?? My sims in facebook.. is dating my school mate, su yen. Yeap she;s a girl.. sigh.. I remember Amanda telling me and Christina the other.. "If only the Catholic church allows.. I surely would have dated a girl maann! ..Its so much easier!" agree la k. ;p

Oh my, did I just agree to dating a girl??

Well, I guess I;m back to my crapping business again! ;D


Everyone wears a mask

hey there ;)

Yes its me again.. 2 posts in a day. Weird.. it wasnt that surprising before. But considering the fact that I hardly blog. is something I guess..

By the way.. I read my first 5 posts when I started blogging.. gosh!! It was like the lame-est thing ever. I was so very hyper..I barely knew half of what I was writing.. But not bad..I wasn't as lazy I am now. I barely blog nowadays.. hmm its not lazy..its just I dont know. I just lost it I guess.. ;(

So mom kinda sent me this long e-mail. Like wow technology huh?? and yes we do live in the same house hehe.. It was sweet but a ermm.."she-wants-it-her-way-kinda-thing!".. And she says.. I'm too secretive! ;((( ..its not that.. its just siiiggghh.. its complicated ;( tomorrow.. I kinda have this dinner date with her. I think I know what she wants to talk about. lol...

Anyway.. err.. I feel its not me blogging eh! ..I dont know.. when I read back what I wrote.. its dead bored!  ;( .. Yes I used to be this hyper, crazy, lame girl..who blogs non-stop. Where is she? All I see is this dull, sad, fake lady.. silently praying no one notices her existence.

So I have come to this conclusion..that everyone wears a  mask.. Here's why I think so:

  • You wear a mask so that your mom.. doesnt know the nasty things you did ..;)
  • You wear a mask.. so that your boss.. will not find out that you hate him..and cont paying you.
  • You wear a that your crush..will remain with you..and find you interesting..
  • You wear a mask.. so that the world..will stop asking you so many questions..
  • You wear a mask.. to hide the broken-ness inside.. and convince yourself that you are strong enough to face the storm.
  • You wear a mask.. so that the world will like you..for who they want you to be..not who you are..
  • You wear a mask.. to cover up the hatred and anger that is rising within you.
  • You wear a mask.. so that they will fall into the trap you set..and then claim your prize.
  • You wear a mask.. because according to you.. you cannot live without it.
And yes, I wear a mask too ;)
And no.. its not make up..

I wear a mask when you ask me, "How are you?" ..I reply.. "I'm fine thanks.." 
I wear a mask if you ask me.. "Is there something bothering you?" ..I reply.. "No, I'm fine.. really" ..
I wear a mask..with this world's most sweetest smile of mine..;p because if I don' may witness the unpleasant sight of scars and bruises..

One thing's for sure.. I'm not wearing a mask now. 

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

It aint perfect, but its enough

I remember years ago..
Someone told me..I should take..
Caution when it comes to love..
I did..

You were strong and I was not..
My illusion, my mistake..
I was careless..
I forgot..
I did..

Ok that was just random.. because it was on the playlist. Nothing got to do with emo-ing or what k! ;))

Hmm.. I'm just here, because I have no where else to go! ;(

I'm done with everything. Everything that is possible to take away my boredom! ;(  I have read every book I owned... Vivian and Amanda..were suppose to pass me some books this week.. but I guess, it is fated that I have to bore myself to death for this holidays..hehe oh well I'm done with watching Desperate Housewives, till season 6. I'm also hunting for season 7! ..Anyone out there kind enough to borrow this lonely soul a piece of entertainment.. I will be grateful forever ;))

Hmm what else. Oh yeah.. since I'm not allowed to do what so ever exercise until my eyes is completely healed, so I decided to do house chores. ;D If that means sweeping, mopping, cleaning, washing.. then congratulations. You know your words well..;p ;p But if that means cooking, nope! ..You're wrong! ..As much as I would love to cook, my dearest mom still doesn't trust me! ;( siighhh so yes. house chores is the substitution for exercising. And am I losing weight? lol.. I'm not sure. I see in the mirror..the same girl with chubby cheeks.. and plump fingers.. ;(

Ok enough about my beauty..;p I saw some of them filtering friends in Facebook. So yes, I followed their footsteps and did the same! ;D Felt a little mean doing so, oh will have to happen sooner or later.. ;) and Yes I deleted the ones I have no idea off.. Kept the ones I still have no idea but was breathtakingly HAAWWTT! ;)) ..And the rest, are simply my friends ;)

You know, I have a lot to blog actually. Like a lot. I am also in the mood. But I can't find the right words. ;(
Oh well, but I'm sure of thing.. when the words come out, they aint gonna be as pleasant as it will always be. siggghh..

You know what I learned, besides all this complications??

I learned the same thing everytime I hit the ground, and fall to my knees. Everytime I cry out my lungs..cursing life what it has done to me. Everytime, I look up and say, "that's it!! Lord, I give up!!" ....and something comes right in..and fix it all. It aint perfect..but its sure is enough to get me up to my feet, stand up and live ;)

"How wide..
How deep..
How great..
Is Your love for me.."

p/s Lord, I'm amazed by you..and how you love me

Her conscience makes sense ;)

Siggghh.. its those one of the days.. where I dug my own grave..willingly..;( So if you knew me well.. here's what I make myself feel better.. ;)

Juan: Siiiggghhh... ;(((
Conscience: So why you sighing.. you knew pretty well it was going to end up this way..
Juan: Yes, I knoww.. oh well, I thought..maybe, just maybe.. this time it would be different. ;(
Conscience: And you tell yourself that all the time.. and still, here you are again..
Juan: But why?? Just why me?? What in the world did I do.. I'm like ...sigghh.. oh nevermind.
Conscience: No.. what is it you wanna say.. Its better to say it..than to keep it all inside.
Juan: Oh you know.. you damm well know what the hell I'm talking about.. its just that.. I don't deserve this la k.. I don't deserve to be taken for granted. I don't deserve to be treated like this..hmm or maybe I do..
Conscience: Yes I know.. but I also want you to know.. that sometimes.. these things happen. No matter how much you try to reach the sun.. the rain is always there to stop you.
Juan: So what do I do?? Jump into the grave that I dug just now?
Conscience: No, You build a bridge.. and get over it. Get over to the sun. It's brighter and happier there.
Juan: And if I don't? What if the bridge collapses?? It happens.. It happens all the time!! ;((
Conscience: And this exactly where, you are in the perfect position to pray ;)

So here it is:

Dear Lord,
Honestly, I don't know what to say. I just ask of you to guard this heart of mine. I don't know why it gets hurt all the time. But if it is Your will. So be it. And I'm sorry, for all the times that you have to replace it with Your heart. It just happens. I've always wondered why.. maybe because I am that special child of Yours..and because only by the heartbreak..I will get closer to You. ;) Oh well, I just thank you..for not leaving me here alone. That you are probably the only one in this whole world, who never ever gave up on me and my nonsence. You do know, that you are the only one that keeps me going. Keeps me alive..keeps me breathing. 

They say, that when you close a door, you always leave another window open. Apparently many doors have been closed..many windows were open too. Yet not one of in Your will. And again, I ask you to give me the courage, to continue seeking that opened window..and whatever that is in it.. and that I may never loose hope, never loose faith, and always remember the reason I am here.


Oh, dont bother me.. I'm just in one of moods again. I'll be back in no time! ;)
p.s To my dear conscience..though you annoy the crap out of me.. thank you for making some sense..;p

Saturday, August 20, 2011

The so-called 10 advices about dating a guy.. ;)

So here are some few lessons..I learnt about guys..;), not judgments of whatsoever.. but what I learnt from experience..;)
  1. Never ever say "YES" ..unless you are really sure..and that you feel it too..
  2. Never accept a proposal through FB, MSN or SMS.. you are worth so much more than that.
  3. Just because he chat's with you every night.. doesn't mean he's into you..
  4. If a guy wants you..he will have matter what it takes. If he makes you wait..then move on.
  5. Yes, he whispers flowery words..and turns you head over heels.. but oh well, are you sure that you're the only one he is saying those words too?
  6. If a guy asks you out..never be afraid to ask him.. "for what?" ..because things will get ugly if you start assuming..
  7. Never ever ever be emotionally attached.. that is the main breakup for all friendships..
  8. If a guy doesn't treat you right, he might not be the one..
  9. If a guy knows, you like him..but still leads you on.. hmmm you deserve much better..
  10. If you have feelings for a guy..let God guide you through it all..
There..10 advices.. and more on the way..I guess.. hmmm..

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The confession of a hyprocite.

Ever felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world?? Well I did. I do now, still...

I am going to be completely honest. No jokes. No lame-ness. No craps. Because, I am not proud of it and I think its time to change.

I serve the church. I sang the psalm today. I teach catechism every Sunday. I join the youth group. I conduct praise and worship. But honestly, what's the point of all that, when deep down you know your're not fit to do it. You're not anyway close to fit. Because you don't practice what you preach.

I know its wrong. Its wrong to do God's work..without HIM guiding and leading you. Without Him in you! Because if Christ is not in you..there is a tendency that you go out of the way. Not only that, you are also leading the rest to the opposite direction. The difference between serving Christ and witnessing Christ is that everyone can serve Christ, but to witness Christ is to serve Him with all your heart and live the way he lived.

Now that it hit me..right in the eye I have to say it. If I keep quiet, even stones will start shouting.

I was once tagged in my cousin's pic as "the good church girl" .. ssiggh.. and nope.. I'm not one at all!!

I hardly read the bible. I pray only when I need something..;(( Attending mass is a freaking routine. Eric told me this today, "Juan you dream a lot during mass!!" ..And I was like, "Gosh, is it that obvious?!" ...sigghhh.. I make fun of people.. I'm probably the worst child to my parents. Ohh craapp I better stop..or else I might end up with a confession without penance on my blog.

So there, that was my mask. I am not a good church girl. I am a sinner, A bigger sinner than any of you. My serving comes with sinning. At least if you sin, but you dont doesnt require you to wear a mask. And the worst thing is that I feel God is very faraway from me. Day by day. sigghh.. And if I don't do something about it..I;ll end up digging my own grave. Literally.

But here's the thing. God is always stagnant. He never moves. It is we who do all the acting. the hurting and the moving. Then when something actually happens...we start blaming God.. "Why Lord, why you doing this to me?..I dont deserve it!"..and you start emo-ing all over again. sigghh...

God, must be wondering, "what did I do?" ..You did it all your by your self.

True enough. For I choose to not pray. I choose the other direction..the one that doesnt has GOD in it. the easy way! Now when I'm stuck, I refuse to blame myself. Because it will only increase the pressure. The only scape goat as usual is God. So I start blaming Him to feel sorry for myself. To convince myself..that there is a part of me..that is not completely at fault. And that shifting the blame to God.

But here's the thing.. even after turning away from Him.. and then blaming Him.. He always have this huge grin in his face saying, "what made you think, that I'll be over you? I'll never be over you. Blame me all you want but I'll keep coming back into your life. To make you realize, that if you have don't need anything else!"

And so He helped me today. He really did. I lost my eye drops. the one that cost about RM80. The new bottle which I only used it twice. I was on the verge of crying.. because my eyes was already getting cloudy. The next thing came to my mind was my parents. My eye check-ups could have sum up to a thousand bucks already. And no, we really don't need this extra nonsence. Then the docs face appeared. He would skin me to pieces if he found out I skipped my drops even for a day. Oh well, my eyes is kinda in a critical stage. ;(

So I prayed. I prayed with an open heart and mind, I begged for forgiveness. I'm still a hypocrite. Because I laid down conditions to him. I said, "Lord, give me back my eye drops, and I would never do those stuff again!" ..Then I was like..gosh what in the world am I doing..??

And yes, I don;t know what was his plan.. but I found my eye drops. I couldn't be grateful enough.

Now if only I have stayed on track..things would havebeen a lot easier. Even if I lost my eye drops, I wouldn't be worrying because if I have God, He takes care of it. He will find always make a way. But of cause since I swayed away.. I was that close to "snapping!" ..;((

So now the hard part comes.. Till how long, is the changed person going to remain..till she's back to her old ways.. hmm its always a challenge huh??? to make it last.

Hard, but not impossible.

So yes, I was completely honest. I've got a way waaayy wicked mind and soul than any of you can imagine. But the good thing is I'm aware of that. The thing about being that you can choose. Choose to change or remain the same.

So I choose to change. Amen!

Monday, August 15, 2011

The fingers did it ;)

Hellooooooo!! all you dear faithful readers of mine! ..;) ..though I dont know how many you still remained..;(

Firstly, the moment I wanted to blog badly, refuse to load.. even after refreshing for 100000 times. And yes, I lost half the mood for blogging! ..But seriously, its always the moment you want that something so badly, it refuses to go your way. But then when you don't its always there.. anyway.. the moment I entered my std 5 catechism class, a student looked at me and said, "Teacher! You look soooo cute today!" ..Of cause, my heart was full of smiles..but then I realize, I'm still having their exam papers.. She must be buttering me!

Then again I thought, but they're only 11 years old! ..They cant be that criminal minded! ..;p Apparently, every compliment I hear, I always assume there is always an ulterior motive behind it! ..

BUT, lol..then again.. I was wearing this retro-ish maroon satin blouse with my hair tied and long matching earrings and necklace..with my glasses.. I lookedd way waaayy waaay cuter and very much adorable than I was before! ;) She's obviously dammm right!

Lol, yes..I am very lame.. just like that.

And then.. another group of girls at the corner started..

GIRL A: Teacher, I think you look very sweet with your contact lenses.
Juan: Oh, I can't wear them.. I injured my eyes..*trying not to bang on the wall crying my lungs out* ..;p ;p
GIR B: What is contact lenses?
Juan: erm..they're this tiny thingy you put in your eyes to replace your glasses.

GIRL A: Teacher, you look like my uncle's girlfriend.
Juan:*smilling shyly* ok ok..*get back to your work!*

GIRL B: Teacher you have a sister right?
Juan: Yes, you know her??
GIRL B: She's fair right?
Juan: My sister?? no no.. she's indian colour with short hair!!
GIRL B: Yess!! that's her!!
Juan: Ish ish..get back to your work!!

Firstly, will I be able to wear contacts for christmas??! ;((( Secondly, someone looks like me..and she has a boyfriend??! ..and thirdly, my sister is fairer than me?! ..


Hehe...sorry, my fingers were so itchy to type something. That came up.. so I just let the fingers do the work. Not my fault! ..;p

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Blank space

It's weird to stare at a blank space. Something that used to be your heart and soul, now seem so strange.

If you'd asked me why.. honestly, I don't know.

I don't know how things are going to turn out.
I don't know why it turn out that way before.
I don't know why I made the decisions I made.
I don't know how I convince myself to leave it this way.
I don't know what made me come back.
I don't know if things are going to change again.
I dont know if I am that person I thought I was.
I don't know if I can be the person I wanna be.
I don't know how people judge me from outside.
I don't know know if it mattered at all..
I just don't know..

I do know one thing..
That there is a reson..why this blank space, is being filled.
I'm not sure what it is..
But there is a reason.