can't find a title

I studied..I think.. not much.. but just enough for me to take a break..=p

So mom came back today..and said this..

Mom: Juan, how do I sign up for a blog??
Juan: Why in the world would you want a blog for??
Mom: My company is giving a talk on the purpose of blogging..and how to open it.. So I realized it
would be easier..if I knew it before hand..
Juan: oookay..

Then it crossed my mind..what if my mom read my blog??!! ...i mean she knows I blog.. and she thinks its nonsense!!..=( .. once she came into my room..and saw me writing a post..and asked.. "whats 'the rose of love' all about??" ..she was suspecting something else..like she thinks I'm "jiwang-ing" or something like that..hehe.. I gave her the..'who-you-think-i-am' look..and said.."thats my blog title.." ..surprisingly she gave a crooked smile.. but I know what she was thinking..."since when my girl became the girly girl??" ..hehe

So back to my question.. if my mom reads my blog??!!.. i can't even imagine that.. Err.. but why?? ..I mean my closest friend reads it..my close friend reads it..my not-so-close friend reads it...why even strangers read it... But for my own mom..the one who bore me 9 months in her womb.. sigh.. whats keeping me..from letting her read my blog??

Its just weird..or perhaps I'm afraid.. she won't accept the...the girl who's typing this post..

yikes...quit emo-ing girl!!

Anyway..remember I'm suppose to read NEW MOON after my exam.. well.. guess what?.. yeap.. I FINISHED READING IT!! .. last nite..after studying.. I needed a break.. the psychology's driving me nuts.. as if I really NEED "PSYCHOLOGY' to drive me off the wall...lol.. I was reading it from 12am and slept at 3.. hehe.. i was halfway through already..

So I was thinking of saving ECLIPSE.. at least after my exam.. you think it can work??.. lol.. yeah.. I think not as well..sigh..

Actually I have no idea..why am I writing this post.. its not like I have something interesting to share about.. .. besides my not-so-interesting/lifeless life.. Lately I'm feeling so so..erm..whats that word..DEMOTIVATED!! ..

What do you do..when you're demotivated huh?? ..hmmm.. maybe I should go out.. yeah.. out.. its been like what..36 hours..i've tied myself at home.. away from the sun and rain..and people.. just in room.. lol.. perhaps I'll go cycling.. or jogging??... or to the playground??.. alamak..but my cousin bernadette's not here!!.. it will look weird rite??..if a 19 year old..plays the swing..all by herself..surrounded by children??..haha..

Or maybe I'll just stick with cycling.. but it's been ages..since I used my bicycle.. I think the tyres kinda worn out as well.. OR maybe I should just start reading ECLIPSE!! ..

ohh my....you think I need some help rite?/..lol..sorry... its just that...AARRGGHH!! ..never mind..

I'll post something intelligent next time..

till then..ADIOS!!

Coincidence??

What in the world??!!! ..
How did that happen...??
Didnt see it coming..
I swear it was random..
like something that just popped out my mind!!
No joke!!..
It's a coincidence..
It has to be..
Though I believe everything happens for a reason..
This time..
It bloody hell..has to be a coincidence!!
No way...
Because IT'S OVER!!..

sigh...

I am yours!!

This morning I got up.. Looked at the mirror.. I saw that 2 big black pupils starring back at me.. Some A-shaped nose..placed right in the middle.. And a faint smile..curved at the end of the lips..

I really should know..who that girl is.. but the mind went blank.. trying to recognize the girl beneath that "mask" of hers.. A weird question popped up in the brain then.."who am I??" ...it gets ever worse.. when the girl in the mirror asked me this question.."who are you??" ..

"Who is that girl I see..
Starring straight..back at me..
Why is my reflection someone I don't know.."

I should be certified ..."way gone mad" by now...

But seriously..lately..I've not been myself.. I can't get in touch with my feelings.. I behave in a way..I'd never thought I'd ever behaved like this.. Rude you may say.. very so very argumentative.. never thought of giving in.. always wants what she desires!! no matter how ridiculous it seemed ..I may look normal..you know like "she's just a girl with the weirdest hair colour..what does she knows about life??".. sigh..

Yes..I admit.. I do not know much about life.. I can't understand the direction its taking me.. It seems like a dead end.. far ahead.. but I'm still pedaling non-stop.. sigh.. And somehow..I have a feeling.. a cliff is coming right up ahead.. I might fall if I don't stop and think.. or..maybe.. I want to fall and end it all..

Sigh..

Lord..
Why are you so faraway from me??
Am I that sinful and shameful..
That you can't even glance at me..??
Am I that torn apart..and broken..
That you hide yourself away from me..

I tried talking to you many times..at night..
But it seemed like I'm talking to the wall..
Like no one is hearing me..
Even when I'm screaming at the top of my lungs..

I know I shouldn't give up..
I know I should still cling on..
No matter how strong the wind is blowing..
How fierce the storm seems..

But Lord..
I want to go through it..
No matter how hard it seems..
I just can't do it alone!!...

And right at this moment..
The song "Please forgive me"..by bryan adams
Rang in my head..

"So if you're feeling lonely..DON'T!!
Your the only one..I'd ever want..
I only wanna make it good..
So if I love you..a little more that I should..

Please forgive me..
I know not what I do..
Please forgive me..
I can't stop loving you..
Don't deny me..
This pain I'm going through..
Please forgive me..
I need you like I do..
Please believe me..
Every word I say is true..
Please forgive me..
I can't stop loving you..."

Wow!! ..
I have no words.. Imagine.. someone asking for forgiveness.. for loving me too much.. Someone is in pain..because I'm denying HIM!! And it makes it more hurtful..yet amazing.. when I do not deserve such love..

A love from the KING OF KINGS..Lord of Lords.. so pure.. so unconditional.. that broke down every wall I built.. that cross every line I drew.. that shed every single drop of His blood.. and still I complain??.. gosh..what is wrong with me??!!

He doesn't need me to be perfect.. or complete.. He doesn't want me to make sacrifices.. He doesn't care if I'm broken or torn apart.. He clearly doesn't require me to score an "A" ..or earn a million dollars..!! He loves me for who I am.. the blurr, weird, emo, broken JUAN!!

He knows..I'm lost now..and He assures me.. "the will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you!!"

Just let go...and let Him take control..

For I am..a flower quickly fading..
Here today..gone tomorrow..
A wave tossed in the ocean..
A vapour in the wind..
Still you hear me when I'm calling..
Lord you catch me..when I'm falling..
And you told me who I am!!
I am YOURS!!..

what else do I need in this life??..=)

Myself?

Amanda did this is facebook.. I just did it for fun..cause I myself am uncertain of what I like.. and what I'm looking for..hehehe.. hope this helps..

10 things you want for Christmas:
1) A normal heart filled with joy and love..
2) A clear mind..that helps me walk in truth..
3) Now..for the reality part.. "the dude!!" dont ask who..I'm sill searching..
4) THE TWILIGHT SAGA
5) A new phone!!
6) To meet cynta and stal before CHRISTMAS!!
7) More money..to buy gifts for all my 6 cousins, sis and parents!!..
8) That dress..in time square..which i hope to wear for CHRISTMAS!!
9) A car?? ..hehehe.. well.. i can still wish rite..lol..
10) erm.. TAYLOR LAUTNER!!


9 musicians/bands you love: (this is in random order)

1. Westlife
2. Mariah Carey
3. Taylor Swift
4. Bryan Adams
5. Ronan Keating
6. Hillsong
7. Planet Shakers
8. Chris Tomlin
9. Don Moen
   

8 things you do everyday:

1. Think
2. Eat
3. Sleep
4. Bath
5. BLOG!! ..=)
6. Talk
7. Dream
8. Listen!!
   

7 things you enjoy:

1. Blogging..
2. Music..
3. Eating
4. Day-dreaming
5. Arguing..lol
6. Reading..
7. Feeling the wind..
   

6 things that will always win your heart:

1. The love one has for God..
2. The love one has for children..
3. A dedicated or a composed song written esp for me
4. An original poem..
5. Magnetic eyes..that gives me goosebumps
   
6. The smile..of a child..
   

5 favourites:
1) Movie: a lot...cant choose.. but for now..it should be the twilight series
2) Song: For now Art of love..by guy sebastian and jordin sparks
3) Book: Perfect and paradise..by judith mcnaught
4) Band: Westlife
5) Season: Winter..=p

4 smells you enjoy:

1. Rose..
2. The rain..
3. Waffle..=p
4. Grandma's chicken curry!!..=D
   

3 places you want to go:

1. Paris
2. Bethlehem
3. North Pole
   

2 days in a week you love:

1. Fridays
2. Saturdays
   

1 person you’d marry on the spot:

1. Based on physical looks..it has to be TAYLOR LAUTNER!!..dont care if his 2 years younger!!..lol.. But based on completeness.. the "dude" is still on search!!

P/s ..call me crazy.. I'm watching new moon again tomorow!!.. yikes.. part of me is guilty for wasting 36 bucks.. on a fiction man-made movie.. that's full of fantasy..and can't be true!!

Another part of me..says that.."so what if your not gifted to feel true love..I'm sure there's no harm in fantasizing it.."

So I decided to become human..and give in..

The dream..

Last night..I went to sleep..
Full of worry..and concerned..
And as I lay sleeping..
A great lesson I learn,

In my sleep..I drifted..
To a place far..far away..
Where the saviour had been taken..
To spend His final day..

The crown of thorns..brought anguish..
As they placed it on His head..
I watched them..nail Him to the cross..
Where His precious blood was shed..





Despite His pain and sorrow..
These words He spoke to me..
"Precious one..doubt not my love..
and you shall be set free.."

~Author unknown~

Another survey

From UTAR ICT...for the last time..using the age old computer which is as slow as tortoise..=p

Last day in UTAR..hmmm.. It reminds of the last day of school.. all busy arranging our tables for SPM.. taking pictures with everyone we meet.. walking all around the school..talking crap.. "Checking" out the cute guy..for one last time.. knowing..you wont meet him again..but still dont have the guts to go and say "hi" ..lol..

I wonder hows today going to be.. meanwhile..its been a while since I did surveys.. so here's one!..=)

FROM FACEBOOK..
Rules: Once you've been tagged, Fill this out and repost as, "My Autobiography" And use your own answers, not anyone else's. and tag 21 frends including me..

1. Where did you take your profile pic?
erm..In facebook..I took it in the car..hehe..after my sis 21st birthday dinner..

2. What exactly are you wearing right now?
A dress.. normally I'm in jeans and sport shoes..lol.. but I decided to wear something different since its the last day..and the next thing I know..they started asking.."are you going for a date??" ..hehe.

3. What is your current problem?
The brain is trying to catch up with life..the heart's finally FIXED though a bit distorted though ..the mouth cant stop crapping..=) ..

4. What makes you happy most?
Blogging..and blogging.. oh yeah..FRIENDS!!..=)

5. What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
Right now..all I'm hearing is UTAR's annoying printer that sounds like a mentally retarded halfway constipated ELEPHANT ..hehehehe

6. Any celeb you would marry?
TAYLOR LAUTNER..ROBERT PATTISON, CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY!!..=D *I kinda dream tooo much*..hehe

7. Name someone with the same birthday as you?
ohhh..erm..Catherine Marie Leaonard from HFC..

8. Ever sang in front of a large audience?
hahaha..yup.. and I end up embarrassing myself 90% of the time..=p

9. Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity?
nooo..the say I look like my sis..like"eehhww" rite??..hehe

10. Do you still watch kiddie movies or kiddie TV shows?
DUUHH! ..hehehe.. erm got a whole lots of them.. mr bean, mickey mouse club house, totally spies..lol

11. Do you speak any languages?
err..if i cant..how am I to answer you then??..lol..nonsense!!.. I speak english, malay, tamil and sometimes my sis say I speak JAPANESE!!..=p

12.Do you ever watch MTV?
uh huh..

Chapter 1: =====================
1. Middle name:
hmmm.. margrita..NOT MARGARITA!!..sigh..

2. Nickname(s):
I think I could list a whole page of them.. erm..pig, piglet, babi.. Fort margherita.. MARGARITA!! ..jobabe.. ju-on.. hu-an, JUAN PABLO MATOYA..*dont ask* ..=( lol

3. Current location:
UTAR ICT, SEKSYEN 14, PJ..

4. Eye color:
Dark brown..

Chapter 2: =====================

Do you get along well with your parents?
Most of the time i guess..

Chapter 3: Favorites ===========================

1. Ice cream: Vanilla and chocolate..=)

2. Shampoo/conditioner:
From Cosway..forget whats the name..lol

Chapter 4: Do You... ===========================

1. Dance in the shower?
NOOO..hehe..i sing though..

2. Do you write on your hand?
Not really..but they do..when they're bored..hehe

3. Call people back?
as is what??..mobile??..hehe.. yes I guess

4. Believe in love?
heheheh..yeah!!

5. Any mental health issues?
sadly yes.. Blurness.. a bit of dumbness.. Blogging madness.. emo-ness to the max.. CRAPISH every second I get the chance.. Music and lyrics freak.. lol..

Chapter 5: Have You.. .=============================

1. Broken a bone?
Not yet..hehe

2. Sprained anything?
Normally when I play netball..=)

3. Had physical therapy?
nope..=)

4. Gotten stitches?
Noo..and do not wish too..

5. Taken painkillers?
yeah..

Chapter 6: Who/What was the last ===================================

1. Movie you watched:
In cinema its NEW MOON!.. At home.. its TWILIGHT!!..hehe

2. Three people to text you?
Cynta, James and stal..

3. Person you called?
CYN!!

4. Person you talked to?
Kuan Lock..he's sitting next to me.. in lab..=)

5. Thing you touched?
The keyboard??..lol

6. Thing you ate?
Kesari..=) some indian sweet..

7. Thing you drank?
This morning..havent drank anything yet//

8. Thing you said?
About my transfer to different college for my degree..

HOW I END MY SENTENCES ===============================

1. I love: YOU!!..lol..and music =)

2. I don't understand: certain things sometimes.. ok..MOST OF THE TIME....=p

3. When I wake up in the morning: I so WISHED it was SATURDAY!!

4. Life is full of: ADVENTURE!!.weeeeee!! ..

5. I get annoyed very quickly when: all they do is COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN and COMPLAIN!! ..sigh.. oh yeah..those using excessive VULGAR words.. hehe.. the ears is too healthy for all these stuffs..=)

6. Parties are: not really my type..but when I'm with them.. *friends* I go crazy..hehe

7. Dogs are: normally reffered to as man's best friends..but I stil fear them..lol

8. Cats are: sooooo not my type!!...haizz..

9. Tomorrow is: MY PARENTS ANNIVERSARY!!..

10. I have a low tolerance for: arrogance, pride and EGO!!..

11. If I had a million dollars I would: prabably donate..dont really have much interest is money though..hehe..crazy eh??..

12. I'm totally terrified of: call me nuts.. but it should be BLOOD..lol

thats it??..hahaha.. i have another hour left..hmmm

Sand art!!

So I came back home after college today.. already guessing how's the day going to be..=( I mean..its like sooooo routinized.. soooo programmed.. soooooo not me!!.. I need more..erm adventure..hehe..

At least someone was excited to greet me back home..by playing "hide and seek" through the curtain..hehe.. I'm talking about my 5 year old cousin!!.. while my sis.. didn't even glance!..hmm typical.. why am I complaining?? I'd probably would have done the same..=p it's a good thing she doesn't read my blog though..

So anyway..we had lunch.. watched TARZAN..*lost count of how many times I've watched it..* lol.. But I still never get bored of it.. TARZAN, MULAN, LION KING..hehe.. I know I know.. its just that I'm pretty impressed and how smart the director is..to come up with such cartoons that promotes.."LOVE" ..=)

After Tarzan..had my usual nap.. and then got up to ACTUALLY start on BINOMIAL AND NORMAL DISTRIBUTION tutorial.. and my sis said.."Juan, come do SAND ART!!" ...and I looked at my cousin..who always gets away..with her smile.. and I was like.. "I guess maths can wait.." lol.. since it always WAITED..sigh..

I always wanted to do sand art.. Usually you'll see it an event or at the mass.. Of cause..my age doesnt allow to cross that line..hehe It seemed interesting.. how the "powder" spreads and form a PICTURE!! ..it's like..you know.. letting the chips fall where they belong.. like..fixing pieces of JIGSAW PUZZLE.. and feeling the joy of looking at the completed picture..lol ..

But you shold know la..how "well" i get along with "ARTS" ..hehe

So..I screwed half of the picture!! I had expected la.. I never EXCELLED in arts.. Somewhere always went wrong when I hold the brush....err cause my colors got mixed up.. and I got demotivated..lol.. so that's why mine turned out like.."eeehhhww-ish" ..hehe..

But the little one.. really made me think.."ARE SURE YOUR 19??!!" lol

Here's to the memorable spoilt art of mine..and the 5 years...

The sands..with glue..*dont mind the spoilt art there k..=p*




The five year old and her tree...weeee!!..its purple.. creative or not??..*she has my genes..*




Getting started on the 2nd art work..it has something to do with "love and star" ..hehe..




Check out the color combination!!..hehehe..





The partially finish work.. come one wei!!.. you got to give her credit!!.. the girl's a miracle!!




Owwhh.. the 21 years wanted to show off as well!! hehe.. suddenly this ppl all filled with "L-0-V-E" ..lol




Check out who came in the pic!!.."Da vinci" in the FEMALE form!!..hehehe.. unfortunately it wasnt her day at all!!..




Awwwhhh...the little on her "HARLEY DAVIDSON" ..with her drawings!!




The little one..with the so-called adults drawing!!..heheh




THE FINISHED ART WORK!!..=P

After art..the little one wanted to play bicycle "outside"..instead of the porch..

I wanted to pose in as well..=p

After bicycle..it was a fabulous time for BADMINTON!! ..wait.. it was kinda windy.. but "close one eye" ..hehe..

The champions on the run!!...=) with the pony tail on both sides and a "spaghetti" strapped dress and the pink sandles..=p *perfect attire*

Like a ballerina rite??..heheh




And so the game begins..




Caught in action...




The spectators...lol




Amazing huh??..no more the plain color shuttle..lol



The girl herself.. with her orange glasses.. ok this is a bad pose.. =p

Oh yeah... wanna see how technology spoilts and at the same time benefits a 5 year old??..hehe

CHECK OUT HER FINGERS!! ..trust me..when I was 5..i didnt even know these things existed.. all i know was..the purple and green dinasaur called.."BARNEY!!" ..sigh..

AWWWWHHH...the smile.. told ya..she had my genes..=p