To my grandma,

It's me again..:)
Yes of cause, who else can it be.. hmm

I'm not myself right now. I don't know if I will ever be. sighh..

Ever received that news where you may loose that someone very dear to you.. in just a couple of hours time.

Well I did, I never thought I would. but I did. I just stared blankly. I needed a moment, and then it happened.

I walked in that hospital..and saw her. My grandma, who is my hero, lying there helpless with a wire attached to her, breathing heavily, eyes closed. My mother broke down first. She asked me to talk to my grandma. I went nearer and said, "Amachi" ..and tears came streaming down my face. I said again, with all the courage I had, "Amachi, its me, Juan, wake up!!" ..I saw her restless. eyes closed. And suddenly her hand, grabbed mine. She held my hand for a moment. I held hers too. Her fragile hand felt so cold in mine. I cried, I begged, I called her to wake up. But she never did. Then she let go. And after that...no one ever saw her moved that much.

To my dearest Grandma..or I'll call her, "amachi" ..

• I wish I had that one last chance to see you open your eyes..and look at me.
• I wish I had that one last moment, to hear you call my name. No matter how laud we say your voice is. Yes, we always make fun of it, that you can replace RTM's radio.. but for, now, I just wanna listen to it every single minute.
• I wish I had that chance again, where I would sit down and massage your leg.. and tell you all the stories of my life.. and you would patiently listen to it.. promising me that you would keep it a secret and not even mention it to my mom. And until now, you never once breathe a word. I didnt even have the chance to thank you. :((
• I wish I had that one chance where you splash all of us with water..using the hose.. and we would pretend we are in the biggest swimming pool ever..
• I wish I had that one chance again.. where we would sit and play cards endlessly and laugh till our stomach ache.. and you wouldnt mind lending us all your coins.
• I wish I had that chance again, where I would fight with my sis, on who to follow you to the market at 5.30pm. And in the market, I enjoy seeing you making friends with almost every stall owner you go to. 
• I wish I had that chance again, where you would tell me on the phone.. what is going on in the tamil series that you were following.
• I wish I had that chance..to help you cook in the kitchen.. and it will be your time to tell me stories when you were little.
• I wish I had that chance again.. where you told be the secrets to cooking. Though I'll never be anywhere close to you.. ;(
• I wish I had that chance again, where you patiently sewed all my dolls clothes. Who in the world had a grandma who took the time to sew her granddaughters doll's clothes??!! ..None, but me!
• I wish I had that chance to taste all the delicious food where you would make us, no matter how pain your leg and hands are.. all we have to do, is just ask..and you would stay up night, making it. Be it, rojak, roti-canai.. ;( ..You wouldn't care if your sons and daughters scolded you. You just want to make your grandchildren happy!
• I wished I had that chance again, where I would tell you my results, and you will be overjoyed, and give me the biggest hug ever.
• I wished I had taken back everything I done to hurt you.
• I just wish.. I spent more time with you. ;(

The past few days has been rough. Very rough. Kluang, is not like home without you. Without your voice. its quiet. I stare at your bed, picturing you there. I stare at your seat, at the kitchen, at all your stuff. I wake up every morning since Saturday, hoping its all a dream. You do know there's no Christmas without you.. ..Where else am I gonna find someone who does the exact fruit cake like you do? ...You know I hate fruit cake. But yours is irresistible. Who else is going to give an honest comment on how I look on Christmas?! Who else is going to give me that big hug and kiss on my check and tell me, "do well, in your studies, do disappoint your parents?"

Today, the doctor said, "She might be in a coma stage ..forever. The brain damage is irreversible." ... 

Dear Lord, I used to tell you, "may Your will be done." ..But now I tell you Lord, that I just want my grandma back.. I dont know what it takes.. or how it takes. You can't take her away from me.. Yes death is certain. But Lord, its my grandma!! ... sigh.. oh well, at least could you let her know, that she is not a burden to anyone.. and that we are all waiting for her to come back. And that we love her, so very much. No one can take her place! ever! You made the lame walk.. you raise the death. Nothing is impossible for you. Take very good care of her.. please. Help us stay strong in these times of trial. To pray and never cease praying. To hope and never stop hoping.

p/s I would like that everyone for their heartwarming calls and messages. May God bless you guys.