The confession of a hyprocite.

Ever felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world?? Well I did. I do now, still...

I am going to be completely honest. No jokes. No lame-ness. No craps. Because, I am not proud of it and I think its time to change.

I serve the church. I sang the psalm today. I teach catechism every Sunday. I join the youth group. I conduct praise and worship. But honestly, what's the point of all that, when deep down you know your're not fit to do it. You're not anyway close to fit. Because you don't practice what you preach.

I know its wrong. Its wrong to do God's work..without HIM guiding and leading you. Without Him in you! Because if Christ is not in you..there is a tendency that you go out of the way. Not only that, you are also leading the rest to the opposite direction. The difference between serving Christ and witnessing Christ is that everyone can serve Christ, but to witness Christ is to serve Him with all your heart and live the way he lived.

Now that it hit me..right in the eye I have to say it. If I keep quiet, even stones will start shouting.

I was once tagged in my cousin's pic as "the good church girl" .. ssiggh.. and nope.. I'm not one at all!!

I hardly read the bible. I pray only when I need something..;(( Attending mass is a freaking routine. Eric told me this today, "Juan you dream a lot during mass!!" ..And I was like, "Gosh, is it that obvious?!" ...sigghhh.. I make fun of people.. I'm probably the worst child to my parents. Ohh craapp I better stop..or else I might end up with a confession without penance on my blog.

So there, that was my mask. I am not a good church girl. I am a sinner, A bigger sinner than any of you. My serving comes with sinning. At least if you sin, but you dont serve..it doesnt require you to wear a mask. And the worst thing is that I feel God is very faraway from me. Day by day. sigghh.. And if I don't do something about it..I;ll end up digging my own grave. Literally.

But here's the thing. God is always stagnant. He never moves. It is we who do all the acting. the hurting and the moving. Then when something actually happens...we start blaming God.. "Why Lord, why you doing this to me?..I dont deserve it!"..and you start emo-ing all over again. sigghh...

God, must be wondering, "what did I do?" ..You did it all your by your self.

True enough. For I choose to not pray. I choose the other direction..the one that doesnt has GOD in it. the easy way! Now when I'm stuck, I refuse to blame myself. Because it will only increase the pressure. The only scape goat as usual is God. So I start blaming Him to feel sorry for myself. To convince myself..that there is a part of me..that is not completely at fault. And that is..by shifting the blame to God.

But here's the thing.. even after turning away from Him.. and then blaming Him.. He always have this huge grin in his face saying, "what made you think, that I'll be over you? I'll never be over you. Blame me all you want but I'll keep coming back into your life. To make you realize, that if you have me..you don't need anything else!"

And so He helped me today. He really did. I lost my eye drops. the one that cost about RM80. The new bottle which I only used it twice. I was on the verge of crying.. because my eyes was already getting cloudy. The next thing came to my mind was my parents. My eye check-ups could have sum up to a thousand bucks already. And no, we really don't need this extra nonsence. Then the docs face appeared. He would skin me to pieces if he found out I skipped my drops even for a day. Oh well, my eyes is kinda in a critical stage. ;(

So I prayed. I prayed with an open heart and mind, I begged for forgiveness. I'm still a hypocrite. Because I laid down conditions to him. I said, "Lord, give me back my eye drops, and I would never do those stuff again!" ..Then I was like..gosh what in the world am I doing..??

And yes, I don;t know what was his plan.. but I found my eye drops. I couldn't be grateful enough.

Now if only I have stayed on track..things would havebeen a lot easier. Even if I lost my eye drops, I wouldn't be worrying because if I have God, He takes care of it. He will find always make a way. But of cause since I swayed away.. I was that close to "snapping!" ..;((

So now the hard part comes.. Till how long, is the changed person going to remain..till she's back to her old ways.. hmm its always a challenge huh??? to make it last.

Hard, but not impossible.

So yes, I was completely honest. I've got a way waaayy wicked mind and soul than any of you can imagine. But the good thing is I'm aware of that. The thing about being aware..is that you can choose. Choose to change or remain the same.

So I choose to change. Amen!