confession of a broken heart..

a couple of years back...i got myself hurt..because of someone..ok..not exactly..
it was because of my dumbness..
first of all i just did my mid term..and i knew..it was going to be bad..
as usual..i was right..
it was so bad...that my mom decided to meet my physics tuition teacher..
and guess what??..
it was the same day..as the day i found out that i was fooled...

i try not to be angry..i try not to say a word to HIM..
keep myself cool...breathe in breathe out..
but at a certain point....a girl's got to do what she's suppose to do..
i couldn't take it anymore..i gave up pretending..
and i cried like i never cried before..
so much..that there wasn't any tears left..
so much..that my eyes was swelling hard..
so much..that i started to wheeze..

the next day..i acted like nothing happen..
the smile i wore..wasn't enough to cover up the swelling eyes..
but of course..
my friends were the sweetest creature God ever created..
for if its wasn't for them..
i'd probably just snap off..lying somewhere in the streets..

so i started to question HIM ...
why me??
what wrong did i do to deserve this??...
haven't i obeyed your commands??...ok maybe not all..but at least i tried..
how can YOU do this to me??
how come he's there..enjoying life while.. i'm here regretting it??
he was suppose to be the best thing in my life!!..but now i wish i never knew him..
or perhaps..is there anything wrong with me??
don't i deserve a guy ...or even the feeling..of being loved??
what are you trying to prove??

on and on..these questions..ran in my mind..
like a film without a sound..
i found no answer..
not even anything close to it..
so i just sealed it..
and left it aside..

and then..i attended so many healing session...
thus, i was able to forgive him..
but it's impossible to forget though..
well..first cut is the deepest..isn't it??
but i took a vow
not to degrade myself..
not to rush into things..
not to fall for 'looks'...

and then...this year...
i dont know how..i dont know why..
this guy..started flirting with me again..
like..everytime he sees me..
he will go like..'wow u look nice'..
or like..'u came here to see me right'..
yeah..i know..lame!!!

i try to be as normal..as i could be..
but of cause..i didn't plan on flirting back with him..
and then get his heart broken..
make him feel..like how i did..
though..that does sounds like a good plan..hehe
nahhhh...i'm not as childish..and immature as that..
i prefer the civilized culture..

and
around last month...
we got kinda close..
and...yesterday
I WAS THANKING GOD..
LIKE A MILLION TIMES!!!..
that he was not 'the one'..
oh goshhh...
i was sooo grateful...
almost cried..
i can't imagine my life with him!! seriously..
dont ask why...but it scares me..really..
cause..my dear friends..looks are deceiving..!!

and GOD answered my age old questions..
though it took HIM almost 2 years..but HE did
i found the answer..
and it's the best answer ever..!!
i can never be more than convinced!!
AMEN!!..