I am yours!!

This morning I got up.. Looked at the mirror.. I saw that 2 big black pupils starring back at me.. Some A-shaped nose..placed right in the middle.. And a faint smile..curved at the end of the lips..

I really should know..who that girl is.. but the mind went blank.. trying to recognize the girl beneath that "mask" of hers.. A weird question popped up in the brain then.."who am I??" ...it gets ever worse.. when the girl in the mirror asked me this question.."who are you??" ..

"Who is that girl I see..
Starring straight..back at me..
Why is my reflection someone I don't know.."

I should be certified ..."way gone mad" by now...

But seriously..lately..I've not been myself.. I can't get in touch with my feelings.. I behave in a way..I'd never thought I'd ever behaved like this.. Rude you may say.. very so very argumentative.. never thought of giving in.. always wants what she desires!! no matter how ridiculous it seemed ..I may look normal..you know like "she's just a girl with the weirdest hair colour..what does she knows about life??".. sigh..

Yes..I admit.. I do not know much about life.. I can't understand the direction its taking me.. It seems like a dead end.. far ahead.. but I'm still pedaling non-stop.. sigh.. And somehow..I have a feeling.. a cliff is coming right up ahead.. I might fall if I don't stop and think.. or..maybe.. I want to fall and end it all..

Sigh..

Lord..
Why are you so faraway from me??
Am I that sinful and shameful..
That you can't even glance at me..??
Am I that torn apart..and broken..
That you hide yourself away from me..

I tried talking to you many times..at night..
But it seemed like I'm talking to the wall..
Like no one is hearing me..
Even when I'm screaming at the top of my lungs..

I know I shouldn't give up..
I know I should still cling on..
No matter how strong the wind is blowing..
How fierce the storm seems..

But Lord..
I want to go through it..
No matter how hard it seems..
I just can't do it alone!!...

And right at this moment..
The song "Please forgive me"..by bryan adams
Rang in my head..

"So if you're feeling lonely..DON'T!!
Your the only one..I'd ever want..
I only wanna make it good..
So if I love you..a little more that I should..

Please forgive me..
I know not what I do..
Please forgive me..
I can't stop loving you..
Don't deny me..
This pain I'm going through..
Please forgive me..
I need you like I do..
Please believe me..
Every word I say is true..
Please forgive me..
I can't stop loving you..."

Wow!! ..
I have no words.. Imagine.. someone asking for forgiveness.. for loving me too much.. Someone is in pain..because I'm denying HIM!! And it makes it more hurtful..yet amazing.. when I do not deserve such love..

A love from the KING OF KINGS..Lord of Lords.. so pure.. so unconditional.. that broke down every wall I built.. that cross every line I drew.. that shed every single drop of His blood.. and still I complain??.. gosh..what is wrong with me??!!

He doesn't need me to be perfect.. or complete.. He doesn't want me to make sacrifices.. He doesn't care if I'm broken or torn apart.. He clearly doesn't require me to score an "A" ..or earn a million dollars..!! He loves me for who I am.. the blurr, weird, emo, broken JUAN!!

He knows..I'm lost now..and He assures me.. "the will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you!!"

Just let go...and let Him take control..

For I am..a flower quickly fading..
Here today..gone tomorrow..
A wave tossed in the ocean..
A vapour in the wind..
Still you hear me when I'm calling..
Lord you catch me..when I'm falling..
And you told me who I am!!
I am YOURS!!..

what else do I need in this life??..=)