God of the moon and stars

Hey.. I hope my post yesterday didn't get you thinking that I'm going insane or anything.. hehe.. its just sometimes la.. I'll be PMS-ing or what.. lol... not that I was.. ok you didn't need to know that..crap!! I was just.. well.. just don't bother me la..

Sometimes I wonder which is worst.. me being totally crapish!!..or a depresses, sick child..

Anyway..you know the talk I attended yesterday.. this song touched me the most.. I was close to tears..and it sure gave me goosebumps.. its only five minutes.. If you don't understand certain words..perhaps you can view the video.. you wont regret it!!..You have my word..=)

God of the moon and stars..

God of the gay and single bars..

God of the fragile hearts we are..

I come to you..

God of our history..

God of the future that will be..

What will you make of me..

I come to you..

God of the meek and mild..

God of the reckless and the wild..

God of the unreconciled..

I come to you..

God of our life and death..

God of our secrets unconfessed..

God of our every breath..

I come to you..

God of the rich and poor..

God of the princess and the whore..

God of the ever open door..

I come to you..

God of the unborn child..

God of the pure and undefiled..

God of the pimp and paedophile..

I come to you..

God of the war and peace..

God of the junkie and the priest..

God of the greatest and the least..

I come to you..

God of the refugee..

God of the prisoner and the free..

God of our doubt and uncertainty..

I come to you..

God of our joy and grief..

God of the lawyer and the thief..

God of our faith and unbelief

I come to you..

God of the wounds we bear..

God of the deepest dreams we share..

God of our unspoken prayer..

I come to you..

God of a world that's lost..

God of the lonely cross..

God who has come to us..

I come to you..

Tired..

Today was the day.. for the youth workshop..

As I was ranting the other day..I was in charge of praise and worship.. How it went..I don't care.. but I felt something after that.. After the song "I will sing" by Don Moen..tears filled my eyes.. and I ran to the adoration room..

I didnt know what tears it was.. tears of joy.. tears of relieved.. tears of repentance..tears of "Lord I cant do this anymore" ...or it could be a mixture of everything..

Or maybe it could because of last night..

I finished my slides at about 3.30am.. and I know I had to sleep as I had a long day ahead.. but I couldn't ..because I was angry.. I was hurt.. I had the.."I couldn't take it anymore feeling" ..I told Him.."Lord, I don't think I can do this tomorrow"..

I wasn't angry with anyone.. but with myself.. because I choose to believe.. I had this imagination..that there is a light..at the end of the tunnel.. where in fact.. there was nothing there.. perhaps a deeper hole.. that somehow I have no way to runaway from it..because I have chosen to wish, chosen to hope, chosen to dream..again.. I have fell down many a times.. and I knew it was coming again..

I was hurt.. because it is happening again.. and I am drained out.. I have no more words to console myself.. I always use this on others.."everything happens for a reason.." .. but this time.. I'm just tired..Tired of holding on.. Tired of telling the same thing to myself.. Tired of how unfair life is.. Tired of smiling and pretending everything was alright.. Tired of actually believing that there is someone out there..who is specially made for me..

So guess by now.. you should know what I'm talking about.. Yes I am still young.. Take it easy.. I have a whole life ahead of me.. but the thing is.. I get emotionally attached pretty fast.. there's nothing wrong in that.. only thing..is that I'm at the losing end..=(.. the girls are always at the losing end.. sigh..

I don't know what made me think.. that there is a possibility that it could happen.. that this person might actually feel the same.. that finally God has realized..that I exist!..

You know whats the most hurting and hateful part??..that its happening all over again with the same person!!..

Sigh..

When am I gonna learn??

I know I sound like I'm emo-ing giler-giler.. but I cant help it la k.. I happen to be a human.. and have feelings as well.. and when the feelings I have..is hurt.. I need to let it out.. or else its gonna eat me up alive..=(

So yeah.. that's about it.. there's nothing else I can do now..

except for this..

"I will sing..

I will pray..

Even in my darkest hour..

Through the sorrow and the pain.."

I'll be alright..I know I will.. because I happen to possess the greatest gift of all!!..=D

Jesus

The phone..=(

"We will conquer in Your name.. and proclaim that Jesus reigns.."

Can someone just bury me in the ground..and never let me out??!!

Because..I LOST MY FREAKING PHONE!!! ..sobs sobs...='(

How careless can I get??.. The one phone where I bought it on my OWN!! ..I was so proud cause it was my hard earn money and I didn't depend on my parents.. and yeah..its the cheapest phone in the market.. so why would anyone have the heart to steal my poor little phone??..it wont do them any good!!.. you can't even listen to songs.. except for the radio ..and yet, sigh they're determine to make my life even more miserable than it already is!!...

Lord, why are you testing me soo much?? Of all days..it has to be today!

And here's the best part..

Since I had lost my..I had to cancel my sim straightaway.. meaning I'm also number-less now.. so please dont call or message me.. I am not equipped to attend to it..=( ..wait, thats not the best part yet..lol

Pinky was so sweet to give me her other phone together with the sim in it..=) *thanks girl!!* ..

I came back home..and tried the sim in my old Sony Ericsson phone.. which I could just die any moment cause some of the keypad aint working!!.. sigh.. I checked my inbox in that phone.. the old messages were still there.. I opened one.. and wow.. every single word literally pierced my heart..like a thousand knives..lol ok ok.. a bit too dramatic.. but yeah.. I felt.. hmmm I felt like.."Omg..I actually fell for this stuffs??" ..what in the world was I thinking??!!..sigh.. what a bimbo I was!!..aarrgghh

Sigh.. But I am not that girl anymore.. This heart is made of solid rock.. for it is built on the foundation of JESUS CHRIST!! ..=D yeah.. much stronger.. much independent.. cause you're not only dealing with me!.. You're dealing with Him too.. For it is no longer I who live.. But Christ who lives in me

Ok..I have to go now..

Feel like I'm carrying a tonne of lorry at my back..

Assignments..pilling up..

This heart and mind of mine..is out of order..

Sigh..

The devil is at work..but so it the Lord

"Every step I take..I take in you.. You are my way, Jesus.. Every breath I take.. I breathe in you.."

Its true they say.. that when God is at work.. the devil is also at work..=(

For a moment ago.. I felt like giving up.. firstly, I couldn't get any response on when to have practice for our praise and worship this coming Friday.. secondly, after making a few calls.. I manage to get some musicians.. unfortunately we've no place to practice.. sigh..

and..no, I'm far from believing that I can lead a crowd of 100 youths.. about 5-8 years older than me..in praise and worship for 30 minutes..

Why me, Lord??.. Why you think that I can do it?? .. What is it you see in me..that I dont??..

I mean..look at me!! ..they hardly believe I'm almost 20.. because I don't act like one.. I hardly know where this road is taking me.. I don't even know when my next turn is going to be.. I dislike dealing with humans..I'm too afraid to even ask the waiter for an extra chili sauce!!.. and yeah..you can ask my mom..how much I've disappointed her..=((( and here I am.. given the honour to lead HIS people??..

Trust me, you dont wanna know how I feel.. its the worst ever..

Lord,

I do not know the plans you have for me..

But there must be a reason why you chose me.. of all the other capable people out there..

Yes of cause.. I would love to be the girl behind this blog..sitting quietly in my own cozy little chair..

Instead of out there.. in front of all.. pretending I have all it takes and they should do the same..

I don't belong in that kinda world you know.. the one who is brave enough to stand in front and speak out..

But no..that's not what You think..for you have another plan..

Sometimes it's best we come out of our comfort zones..

and be who You want us to be..

And if this is what You want me to be..

let it be then..

Just please.. I can't do it alone..='(

You gave me everything..

But I am nothing without You..

I lay down everything at your feet..

I'm tired already..=(

One more thing.. Please help my sister too.. I know she needs your help even badly than I do..

May the words I hear..and speak.. may the things I do and see.. be of You.. and only You my dear Lord..!!

Amen!!

p/s help choose the right songs..and pleaseee dont let me embarrass myself up there.. even if I did..don't leave me Lord!!

death..

"The earth shall soon dissolve like snow.. the sun forbear..to shine..But God who called me here below..will be forever mine.."

Sighh.. Have you ever thought about life after death??.. Whats gonna happen when we are burried 6 feet..and how is it gonna happen??.. is there really such thing as hell..and heaven.. and purgatory?? I mean no one had really came back to life in person..looked into your eyes and told you.. "dying aint that bad.."

Unlike the thief..on Jesus right hand on the cross at calvary.. I wish I was him.. He already has a place in heaven..for Jesus told him "Today you will be with me in paradise" ..good for him though.. I mean a thief in heaven..He had wronged all his life..and now he enjoys.. amazing huh??

My uncle passed away yesterday.. and as I starred at the him..lying in the coffin.. so peaceful.. so calm.. I just thanked God for ending his pain and misery.. he really suffered much without both his legs.. One thing I know..he just cant wait to meet his wife..in heaven.. those were his words on the dead bed..hmmm classic love..=))

And then my sister said.."you know, I think the more people suffer on earth, the less they will suffer in purgatory.." I'm not sure how true it is.. but that gives like an advatange to suferring.. you cling on the word "hope".. you know something good is going to happen..after all the tears you poured.. after all the pain you endured.. why?? because of Jesus..=)

You know, I've never really lost someone really close to me.. I've no idea how it feels to know that when one leaves the earth..he or she is never gonna come back.. there is no chance to meet them again..and say the words you should have said.. or taken back the words you shouldn't have said.. I dont know what am I gonna do..if it happen..

But it is gonna happen.. sooner or later.. the question is.. can I accept it?? ..sigh.. I dont know ...=( that's why I'd rather me...to be taken first.. than the rest..

Lol..which reminds me.. I told my mom once.. "One day if I die..then you'll know la.." and she replied me with the same thing.. "One day I'll die..then you'll know.." ..I said.."I'll die first.." ..Mom was like.."No, I'll die first.." ..I said, "you can't say..a car might just bang me tomorow" ..Lol..

I know..ridiculous rite??.. to have this kinda talk with your mom??.. hehehehe.. but yeah.. I don't know what I'll do..if I loose any one them.. No matter how strong you intend to be.. there is surely one point of your life.. where you cant take it anymore.. where its too much to handle.. and you'll fall.. haizz.. well I just hope I fall gracefully... and stand back again..like nothing ever happen..

Lol.. I'm just crapping..

have a nice day!!

I dont know..

"Things in the past..

things yet unseen..

wishes and dreams..

that are yet to come true..

All of my hopes..

all of my plans..

my heart and my hands..

Are lifted to you.."

SSSIIIIGGGHHH!!

seriously, you dont wanna hear about my miserable life story.. about what happen today..hmm..it wont do you any good.. actually I dont know why am I semangatly blogging also.. I dont know why I even started blogging in the first place.. I dont even know why am I still blogging.. ohh noo!!..I think I'm having that 'crapping' feeling again..=(( and I dont know why...

Actually I dont know so many things in this life..

I don't know why is my sister such a pain!!

I dont know why am I soooo careless!!

I dont know why I have a cut in my finger now..and its hurting like nuts!!

I dont know why can't humans be content with what they have..

I dont know why I feel like something is sooooo wrong somewhere!!

I dont know why are some ashamed of what they believe in..

I dont know why must one change..so another will like them..

I dont know why I am having this attitude problem lately..

I dont know why I hate uni all of a sudden..

I dont know why is life treating me..like crap!!..so freaking UNFAIR!!

I dont know why cant I stop writting now..

I dont know why am I blogging about stuff I know I wont find answers

I dont know...if..sigh.. if..argh nevermind!!

Moral of the story is..

Its good to not know certain things in life..cause when you know something.. there's no more fun!!..no more excitement of what lies on the back of the mountain!!..no more surprises!!.. sometimes its nice getting lost..and asking for direction..and meeting people and gaining experience..I mean whats the point of crossing the road..if you already know whats on the other side?? ..infact you cross the road to find out what's there..=) .. to get the "wow" feeling..when something unexpected happens.. like a miracle..=)

Don't put a FULLSTOP, where God has places a COMA!! ..He has a plan..=)))

I just cant stop loving you..

I dont why does this happen to me..like ALWAYS!!

I heard this AWESOME song in radio..but they didnt tell the title or the singer..and then now I'm cracking by head, trying to find it.. and its the second time I'm hearing the same song!!!! grrrrr.. sighhh... I really really want that song!! ..though I forgot how it goes now..sigH..and normally I'll memorize that one sentence and find the title and who sang it..when I get back home.. but guess my method doesnt work anymore!! ...because I failed!! ..miserably.. I got a whole lot of other song..which is NOT of what I want...but some are breathtaking though..

Like the song.."I CAN'T STOP LOVING YOU..." by MJ!! ..wow.. I melted the moment I heard it!! and now I cant stop..I know I know.. this song must be ages old by now.. but better late than never rite??..heheh

Anyway guess what happen today?? I played chess with my sister.. I wasnt in the mood..so i got checkmated!! ..heheheh...or else..I would have buried her alive!!..hehe really!! dont undestimate my chess skills k.. me and cyn used to rock the school with our chess skills..;p ;p .. we got first and second place... hehehehe.. ok lar from the bottom!! ..yes we got last..and we're proud of it!!..well at least we tried k.. those ppl were genius..sigh

and tomorow.. sigh.. another long day..

Lord, help go through it once more..

Like you did today..=)

Amen!!..

Lastly..to all my viewers..

the legend himself..MJ!! I CANT STOP LOVING YOU!!

Each Time The Wind Blows..

I Hear Your Voice So..

I Call Your Name..

Whispers At Morning..

Our Love Is Dawning..

Heaven's Glad You Came..

You Know How I Feel..

This Thing Can't Go Wrong..

I'm So Proud To Say I Love You..

Your Love's Got Me High..

I Long To Get By..

This Time Is Forever..

Love Is The Answer..

I Hear Your Voice Now..

You Are My Choice Now..

The Love You Bring..

Heaven's In My Heart..

At Your Call I Hear Harps..

And Angels Sing..

You Know How I Feel..

This Thing Can't Go Wrong..

I Can't Live My Life Without You..

I Just Can't Hold On

I Feel We Belong

My Life Ain't Worth Living,

If I Can't Be With You

I Just Can't Stop Loving You

I Just Can't Stop Loving You

And If I Stop,

Then Tell Me Just What Will I Do

'Cause I Just Can't Stop Loving You

At Night When The Stars Shine

I Pray In You I'll Find

A Love So True

When Morning Awakes Me

Will You Come And Take Me

I'll Wait For You

You Know How I Feel

I Won't Stop Until

I Hear Your Voice Saying "I Do"

This Thing Can't Go Wrong

This Feeling's So Strong

Well, My Life Ain't Worth Living

If I Can't Be With You

I Just Can't Stop Loving You

I Just Can't Stop Loving You

And If I Stop,

Then Tell Me Just What

Will I Do

I Just Can't Stop Loving You

We Can Change All The World Tomorrow

We Can Sing Songs Of Yesterday

I Can Say, Hey Farewell To Sorrow

This Is My Life And I,

Want To See You For Always

I Just Can't Stop Loving You

I Just Can't Stop Loving You

And If I Stop,

Then Tell Me Just What

Will I Do

I Just Can't Stop Loving You

Because I might be depressed..

"So in love that you act insane.. and that's the way I love you.."

You know the words.."how are you today" ..can really really make a difference in one person.. I mean seriously.. its been ages when someone actually asked me that.. and today.. I didnt know what to answer.. I have no idea..how I am..

Yes.. I'm depressed.. sigh.. so depressed that I dont even know who is that girl..starring back at me in the mirror.. have you ever felt that way??.. well dontla k.. Its not a good feeling.. like the body is still here.. but the soul is gone.. the mind is wandering.. its weird.. sigh..

But today was different though.. there are certain stuff..or people that could remind me.. the meaning of life.. today it was badminton.. not that I'm really good at badminton la.. I suck at it..like BIG TIME!! hehehe..its just plain disaster.. sometimes I wish that there is at least one sports that I'm good at!! ...sigh.. and badminton is probably the worse.. I got no idea how Joe stand me..as his partner.. I really make his life miserable..by making him run all over the court!!..sigh..

Well anyway..back to the people where I can really smile.. are when I'm with them.. with crystal, shasi, and joe.. so far its them ..who faithfully call me to see if I'm free to hang out..

It's like..they like me.. for me.. no further explanations.. and I like them..for them to.. they dont wear mask.. just a bunch of normal homo sapiens.. who loves being who they are.. no fakeness.. no pretend..;)

and one more is CYN!! jacynta jasmine.. gosh.. after 2000 years.. I'm finally seeing her ONLINE.. it felt damm good to crap with her again..

and Lord,

If you think I've forgotten you..

I havent...

I know I owe you a lot of apologies..

For running away..everytime you call..

Maybe thats why I'm depressed..

But tomorow..weeeeee tomorow!!

I love my tomorow..=)

I can make it through the rain

"Every moment I spent with you..is the moment I treasure.."

wow..my blog has been dead for quite a while huh??!! ..

I'm sorry..I seriously ran out of blogging mood.. and I have no idea why..

I skipped classes for today.. Crystal woke me up though..saying she's in mid valley..and that she saw someone whom familiar..and she called me to ask..is that "someone" really that someone??hehehehe..

well anyway.. I wanted blog about so many things.. but the moment I sit down to post a topic.. I run out of words and mood and end up playing BEJEWELED!! ..sigh..

Actually I wanted to blog about haizzz...nevermind.. when I get back the mood..and if I still remember about it..I'll blog ok??

hey you know what..let me just say it once and for all k..

on second thoughts..maybe some other day ..

hmm..Maybe this song wont say whats on my mind.. but it is the one I'm listening too.. and it look like its making sense..

When you get caught in the rain.. with no where to run..

When you're distraught and in pain without anyone..

When you keep crying out to be saved..

but nobody comes..

And you feel so far away..

That you just can't find your way home..

You can get there alone..

It's okay, what you say is..

I can make it through the rain..

I can stand up once again.. on my own..

And I know.. that I'm strong enough to mend..

And everytime I feel afraid.. I hold tighter to my faith..

And I live one more day.. and I make it through the rain..

And if you keep falling down..

Don't you dare give in..

You will arise safe and sound..

so keep pressing on steadfastly..

And you'll find what you need to prevail..

What you say is..

I can make it through the rain..

I can stand up once again.. on my own..

And I know.. that I'm strong enough to mend..

And everytime I feel afraid.. I hold tighter to my faith..

And I live one more day.. and I make it through the rain..

And when the rain blows,

as shadows grow close, don't be afraid..

There's nothing you can't face..

And should they tell you.. you'll never pull through..

Don't hesitate, stand tall and say..

I can make it through the rain..

I can stand up once again.. on my own..

And I know.. that I'm strong enough to mend..

And everytime I feel afraid.. I hold tighter to my faith..

And I live one more day.. and I make it through the rain..

I can make it through the rain

And stand up once again

And I live one more day

And I can make it through the rain

(Oh, yes you can)

Ohh, You're gonna make it through the ... rain

Sigh.. so that's it.. all I have to do is make it through the rain..

How hard can it be??..besides I love the rain..

Should be easier..=)

because the world is better off witout me!!

arrgghhh.. I'm having that Monday blues again...

Anyway this morning.. I arrived bout 15 minutes late to class.. and the lecturer wasnt there yet.. I was with Sukhbir and Reza who was chatting about how beautiful the country India is.. wow.. for once, I'm actually hearing guys talking about something intelligent.. I mean ..no offence.. but normally you'll hear them talking about some other 22 guys chasing after a black and white ball!!.. or something about the four wheel drive.. or computer gadjets that is even complicated than girls....and other lame stuffs.. gosh.. get a life people!!..;p ;p

Since class was canceled.. I decided to spent the rest of my life here.. I mean day.. REST OF THE DAY!! ..sigh.. sorry.. I'm currently in a delusional mood..

Sukhbir, Sudha's friend from seremban who is my junior and also in my study skill class.. he asked me after our cancelled class.. "Are you happy, Juan??!!" ...I was like..is this guy some kinda psychic or what?? .. I mean I just met him a few weeks ago..and he is able to read me??..or maybe its just me la.. sigh..

So anyway.. I was on a blog visit just now.. and there's this 2 couple.. I saw both of their blogs.. I have no idea who they are.. but it was pretty interesting.. and I find them ...very..erm.. very lovely.. I don't know.. maybe cause they got each other's back.. and its pleasant to see two souls madly in love with each other.. and wanting to defend their love no matter how strong the world objects.. or maybe I'm just jealous because I WANT SOMEONE LIKE THAT TOO!!..=((

hehehe...One more thing.. I'm beginning to dislike singing.. and my voice.. I sound retarded.. lol.. really I do.. like how I normally sound after I had a deep sleep.. that is how I am sounding always.. sigh..

And I keep on telling my mom I HAVE CANCER!! ...because firstly, my headache is bugging my life!!..secondly my hair is starting to drop.. I think by the time I reach 25.. I'LL BE BALD!!..=((((( and I also think I have stomach cancer.. because I'm nauseating at the sight of FOOD!! that is so so abnormal la k!!..

Basically I'm just trying to find excuses to make my life more interesting.. cancer will help if anyone actually bought it!! ..sigh.. but even they know..I need to get a life..

But sometimes.. aaahhhh.. sometimes I think the world would have been better off..witout me..=((((...

have a nice day then..

P/s ..she's in her own world again.. just dont bother..=)

the "dream" wedding..

Well good morning...=) its been awhile since I last blogged huh??..hehehe.. well I wasn't feeling that well.. had this weird sickness where my fever was like 39 degree but no cough or flue or sore throat.. instead a massive headache..which spread to my jaw.. and my lower tighs till my foot was aching like nobody's business!!.. like I just ran a whole field without any warm up!!..hmmm and I normally dont use my sickness to skip classes.. but I had too.. this time.. but I'm all fineeee now!!.. thank for asking..=D hehehe

Anyway.. I got up this morning.. knowing I had to blog about this.. before the image goes away..lol..

I had the weirdest dream last nite.. I read somewhere.. where the reason why you dream of that event or that person is because you CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM!!.. and hence they eventually appear in your dream..but I tell you that I am now your living prove that whoever came up with that theory.. is pure BULLSHIT!! hehehe.... seriously!!... for the past few days.. I've watched like about 15 episodes of criminal minds.. and this series is filled with BLOOD!! ...disgusting gory stuffs!!... you see my connection rite??.. unless you're telling me that my marriage is going to turn into something ugly.. well thank you very much.. I'd like to decide that for my self..=)

I kinda forgot how my dream started.. but I remember the wedding part clearly though..hehe..

So there I was outside the church.. dressed in.. sigh.. you really wanna know what I was wearing?? ...I mean I know I look good in all costumes..;p ;p..but this was tooo much already!!..lol..I was wearing a PUNJABI COSTUME!! ..a white one of cause.. I mean I dont mind a saree.. a wedding gown is the best though.. but a punjabi costume??!! .. and with NO VEIL!!! ..can you believe it??.. what's a bride without her VEIL??!! I came up with my own theory.. whereby the veil is actually like a barrier between the groom and the bride.. and the moment the groom unveils the bride.. there is nothing separating them anymore!! like 2 become 1!!...so tell me??... how can a bride be a bride without the veil??..sigh.. and my shoes!!.. you know what I was a wearing?? ...this flat shoes with a bow in front..hehe..and my hair was braided on one side.. and curled and the bottom.. hahaha..I forgot how I looked either.. but quite normal..lol

And so I walked down the aisle..with another bouquet of flowers..and only one flower girl!! but here's the best part.. the groom wasnt there yet!!! .... I waited then.. waited and waited.. half an hour passed.. still no sign.. I started tearing then.. my sis was so sweet..for once in her lifetime... she started consoling..lol and finally he arrived... I asked my sis.."how do I look like??" ...she smiled and said.."like Juan" ..lol...

And this is how my imaginary husband-to-be looked like.. he was in white..white coat with a bow..he was tall.. very very tall.. as tall as kabi!!... have you ever seen how tall is this dude??..I got no words.. go and meet him for yourself.. hehe.. and he was fair.. I think he is a malayalee.. hehehe.. and he had this black hair straight hair..with a sharp nose.. I couldn't remember his eyes though..haiz..

Then rite..something beautiful happen.. he pulled me..looked into my eyes.. and said these words.. "I will love you till my last breath!!!" ... and he kissed my forehead!!..awwwwhhh!! well I think that's the most sweetest thing any guy could have done k!...hehe and I could have just died la..if it happen in reality.. lol.. well at least it is happening in my dreams ...hmmm

Then...I saw my parents..I cried like mad when I saw my mom..she was in punjabi costume as well.. and my dad..lol.. i got no words.. he was in his JAPANESE SLIPPER!! ..and the age old red t-shirt with collar!!..grrrrr!! ..hehehehhe..

My friend was getting married in the chapel next to the church.. I went to wish her.. then when I came back.. I couldn't find my groom anymore.. and I begin to recognize the church.. IT WAS ST JOHN'S!!! ....

I was soooo terrified.. hence that's why I got up I think..lol..no no... wait.. I got up because he left!!..=(((( ... but seriously.. St John's is a beautiful.. but but.. you know.. being a music lover.. you do want the best for your wedding rite??.. with the best choir.. I mean offence to st john's parishioners.. but..well I just cant stand their choir..=((

Sigh.. so yeah..that's it about my 'dream' wedding.. which is not even 0.5% percent oh how i want it to be...hehe.. but the groom..hmm..he aint that bad..but nahhh.. he made me wait!!.. thats the most "UNGENTLEMEN" attitude any guy could have done.. I mean its ok to make the guy wait.. but never ever make a girl wait... it's..erm.. it's well.. not right.. unless if its an emergency of accident.. hehe..

ok...I better stop crapping.. I shall leave now..
have a nice day people!!

Little Sisters of the Poor..

"Show me your ways O Lord, My God..I trust in you.."

I am freezing.. an hour in train without my sweater.. another hour and the half in class..and the air-cond was blowing my mind off!!.. when it's hot..I wish Malaysia was snowing!!.. when its cold..I freeze like nobody's business..sigh.. why can't the weather be JUST NICE??!!..hmm

It's the 4 hour break again..I have absolutely no idea..on what to do..or blog about..
Hmm maybe I should tell you about my trip to little sisters of the poor..

We were late..as usual.. Typical Malaysian Indian Timing..;p ;p.. But we were greeted with much happiness.. I could see the joy in Sis Agnes's face.. She was in charge if us.. and Eliza.. She took us a tour around the home..where I felt like I was in a another country.. In a more developed, anvanced..much much peaceful place..

I was impressed!!.. They had everything there.. kajang..was like a "kampung" ..compared to this place.. You can get everything you want.. even the latest technology.. the dining room was awesome.. the kitchen.. the rooms.. a library.. a saloon.. a craft's room.. a physio room.. a dentist.. their own souvenier shop.. oh my.. I got no more words.. basically yeah.. you have to see it to believe it..=)

For dinner, we feasted like pigs..hehe.. Cause it so happen that on that day SFX church had their Praise and Worship there.. they had potluck which explains the variety in food..=)

After that the sisters had their chit-chat session.. and I tell you.. they can joke!!!.. I was laughing so laud.. that I had to keep on reminding myself to be civilized!!.. hehe.. and the weirdest thing happen..

Just for your information.. I have a barrier erm..kind of 'fear' for animals.. I don't know why..I just can't get along with them.. I am talking about ALL ANIMALS.. even my sisters hamster.. I didnt dare hold it.. hehe.. I was afraid I would squash it or something.. I mean why let the poor guy suffer cause of me rite??...hehe

So yeah..the sisters had 3 guard dogs.. 2 of which is only let out at night as they are extremely fierce..while another is always around.. Not that its not fierce.. its just more friendly.. and this dog was white in colour, so the sisters called it SNOWY!!..hehe

The moment I saw it..I whispered to Alma..."AL!! there's dog!!..what to do??!!"
Alma stayed calm.. while I tried to.. inside I was like a rollercoaster.. praying silently.."Lord, Help me!!" ..So I took my seat next to one the sister.. well snowy was smart.. very very smart.. when the sister said.."snowy go and say hello to our guests" ..and it came to each of us..and smelled!! and its a "her" btw..=D

That's the part where I hate the most.. the smelling part.. and as I looked at her.. I dont know what made me pull out my hand and pat it.. I kinda enjoy it..and guess what happen after that??!!!.. I swear I had a heart attack..when it jumped on me..and took her seat next to me!!.. I couldn't believe it..that it took me a second to put myself together..It took out her paw..indicating me to shake it!!..OMG!! ..it was a miracle!! I know it was.. And I started combing her hair..with my fingers.. she loved it!..I loved it even more!!

ALMA's eye balls were pratically coming out..You should have seen the look on her face!! should have seen the look on my face!! and she was telling the sisters how afraid I am to animals.. and one of the sister suggested to snap a pic of me!!.. and Alma did..!!..hehehe.. so here I am Juan Margrita sitting next to a dog.. weeee!! I shall never forget this accomplisment!!..heheehe

After that we watched a movie called BERNADETTE!! ..it was very very inspiring.. then the 3 of us had a late night chat.. and off to bed!!..

The next day.. was like wow.. wait wait.. did I mention that the sisters could sing??? like really really sing?? It was exactly like SISTER ACT!! ..the movie.. they all can sing.. and it was beautiful!!.. I almost had goosebumps k!.. mass was great.. we were given the chance to do the reading and intercession..

But here's the most important part.. the part where we spent time with the resident there.. yes the old people.. It's exactly like a nurses job!! ..Memories seeped in again.. about my own nursing experience a year 2 years back in Sunway... hmm..how can I explain this.. I felt something.. I was touched,very touched by how much of love these sisters had for the old people.. patience is virtue they say... indeed it is.. I fed an old, blind uncle without a hand.. I took him for walk after that.. I even sang him a song while taking him for the walk..for he cant speak.. I wanted to know what was going through his mind.. how was he feeling..hmm

There was also this grumpy aunty.. where she has nine children.. but none of them dared to take care of her!! hence she's depressed.. and fuzzy.. I met another friendly aunty.. who couldn't stop talking about politics.. and wow.. she remebers every single thing about Malaysian history!!

Then I heard about the sister's vocation story.. they said.."you will have the feeling like.."this is what I'm suppose to do"..then they told about their experiences and such..I asked then.."how do you tolerate the grumpy ones" ..they said.."things are alot easier when you see CHRIST in them" ..another sister quoted the bible.. "whatever you did for one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!"

Amazing huh??.. when you care for others.. you care for Jesus!!.. when you hurt others.. you hurt Jesus too!!..

Overall, I had a great experience.. and yes I will be going back there again!! ..not only to meet SNOWY.. but because its there where I find peace..and joy.. to be with those who desires Christ love .. with those who are hungry for a companion.. with those where I know its worth it..=)

If you ask me now.. what is my vocation.. i can't answer you.. as I was told.. to go and experience life first.. but right now.. its best that I lay everything at the feet of the cross.. and see what else
is in store for me.. May His will be done.. not mine..

Amen!!

Its hard..

I am not gonna talk about what happen today..Or even think about it.. because the more you think, the more you come up with crazy conclusion.. the more you come up with crazy conclusions.. the more it stresses you up.. the more your stressed about it.. the more you think about it again.. and you go BONKERS!!.. its a daymm CIRCLE!!..and I hate circles.. its the hardest to draw!!.. it would never be perfect unless you use something to trace on it!

Sigh.. but it sucks.. like to the max!!.. like your force to swallow a whole bucket of worms!! ...uh huh..vomit it out..then swallow it back again!!..yeap its that bad..='( ..and geeee..where did I come up with that idea?? .. haizzz.. I'm sorry to disgust you.. but the way I think is even weirder when I'm sad, happy or of cause in love..

Anyway..I actually wanted to post something..erm.. something entertaining.. just to get rid of whatever happen.. haizz..but well.. I can't think of anything..

Or shall I share with you..that guy with the guitar??..hmm.. I miss him!!..so very very much.. I don't know why I find him so absolutely adorable.. He drives me crazy all the time too.. I mean not that I'm not crazy enough..but hmm..its unexplainable!!..sigh.. will I ever get to see him again??!!..

If you're planning to ask me who is it.. even if you bury yourself..i aint gonna tell you!!..;p ;p

Guess thats it..for one my lamest post..

Before I leave..I do have one thing to say...
Maybe in your eyes.. I may seem like a girl who just entered the world.. yes, I loveee being a child..I love doing stupid things..and making people laugh.. I find peace, when I put a smile on someones face.. but there's a big difference between being a kid..and being immature.. trust me, I had been in reality.. a long long time ago..lets say about 14 years ago??..=).. and trust me, when I say I do know a thing or two about life.. when I say,I do know how it feels when your trust is betrayed..

I don't know why I wrote that.. could be, cause I;m tired of all the DRAMAS in my life..
Or maybe I just wanna feel good about myself..

But whatever it is..
I'm gonna miss all of you..and the time spent together..
You know who you are..

With love..

the real world

I was just away for one night..ONE NIGHT!!!.. and the whole world collapsed!!.. and I'm not joking..

I mean my world collapsed.. ok..part of my world..

Firstly my sister banged a car again!!..yes AGAIN!!..cause just a few weeks back she hit a lorry!!
..but no worries..the angels must have held her high up..cause she didn't even break a nail!!..=D.... sigh..and so is my mom..hehe..my mom was in the car with her!!.. i could have guessed her reaction.."AIYOYO!!!" ..hehe and my sister decided to give my mom another special "treat" on mother's day..RM400 bucks..for that guy's car bumper..hmm

Secondly..my dearest dad got admitted.. and chill chill..nothing serious.. they wanted to observe his previous leg ulcer.. which was really bad last year.. but almost cured..and here's the best part.. I got to know the news first though I'm faraway from home..*its complicated*.. I called my mom..and she had another "AIYOYO!!" ..they rushed to HUKM then..I got pretty worried as well.. but yeah..Thank God, He took care of it.. relieving all our worries..

And here's the worst part.. sigh.. the ones who always filled my boring days with laughter.. are having a complicated conflict.. =( ..its not a nice sight.. and "welcome to the real world!!" only make matters worse ..lol.. actually I do not want to be welcomed!!.. I mean if the real world is full of hurt.. then why enter in there in the first place rite??..

hmm..because.. we're all humans.. and thats where we belong.. reality!! like it or not.. you have no choice.. but come to think of it.. it won't be that bad.. if you are able to see CHRIST in everyone you meet.. even the ones that hurt you..

and thats what i learned..for the weekend..

more to come..when I have the time..and energy!!..

take care!!..=)

The nights..

Good morning..=)

Firstly I have no idea...y am I inspired to blog only when I'm in college.. when I'm back home..I feel hmm.. empty..=( ..didn't know UCSI had that much of impact on me..hehe

and its FRIDAY!!!!..weeeeeeeeeeeee!!!..F-R-I-D-A-Y!!!! ...and its gonna be a pretty interesting weekend..

before that..guess where am I gonna stay tonite?? hehe..If you're thinking in my same old room and bed...nope!!..I'm not..but wait.. were you thinking of that..??..lol ..anyway..ever heard of PALACE OF THE GOLDEN HORSES??!! ..heheheh.. yup yup.. I intend to be a princess..just for tonite!!..to be covered in the finest sheets ever.. to have the delicious food..in that cozy room..and of cause the bathroom!!..don't know why I love to check out bathrooms..heheh.. I mean, the tiles, the walls, the lighting, the mirror.. I find them very..erm.. very unique..lol and you find my very..weird rite??..hehehe..

Well anyway, my uncle, bernadette's dad is working in that hotel.. he's been askin us for ages to come and put up a night.. and hence we decided that it should be TONITE!! =D

And tomorow is another dramatic day.. we have to wrap about 500 roses..for mother's day.. which I'm so glad my mom loved her NEW SUNGLASSES we bought her for mother's day!!..heheheh..

then later in the evening..hmmmm..I won't be at home again.. I'll be putting up a night at Little Sister's of the Poor.. hehe..chill chill..don't get any wild imaginations.. I'm not ready to answer HIS call.. its just that the sisters are inviting all women aged 20-30..to spent the night there..with the elderly..so yeah.. I need to find out the reason why of all people..Alma and me..had the same instinct.. besides.. I need a night away from this world.. from family, friends, technology, fakeness!!

so guess you wont be hearing from me..for the next 3 days...
have a great weekend!

Problems..

"No one told me..I was going to find you.. Unexpected, what you did to my heart.. When I lost hope.. You were to remind me..this is the start.."

Sigh.. I've lost word to explain myself.. hmm perhaps another SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS?? ..I don't know.. First something exciting happens.. then it is taken over by something troubling!!.. and it goes back all to square 1!!.. sigh.. its like I'm not allowed to enjoy that enjoyment even for a moment.. sigh.. but its ok.. for it is said.."Though sorrow may last for the night..but HIS joy comes with morning.."

Gee..I've been sighing a lot huh??..haizz.. Who can ever understand why such things happen at such time??.. They say everything happens for a reason.. but sometimes don't you just wished you knew what the reason is..?? like why does it have to be YOU..all the time!!.. like what in the world could you have done..that you deserve all this??!!.. lol..no I'm not emo-ing or whatsoever.. but sometimes these questions haunt me.. but then again it is good to question.. only by questioning, you will strive to find answers to clear your doubts..

I was checking my mail..and came across this one from Mellissa.. please take a while to read it..for it gave me answers..well not directly.. but this thought came to my mind.. what is my problem compared to the others problem..

I mean..someone might be fighting for their life this instance.. or perhaps lost someone dear to them.. or struggling financially to put some bread on the table.. or striving to breakthrough an addiction..or suffering from all kinds of abuses.. which if compared to mine.. is not even 10% of what they are going through.. and all I could think of is.. well..me..=( and how big my problem is..when its not even suppose to be a problem.. because I have my God on my side..to solve it for me..=)

Maybe this article will give you a bigger picture..

There was an atheist couple who had a child. The couple never told their daughter anything about the Lord. One night when the little girl was 5 years old, the parents fought with each other and the dad shot the Mom, right in front of the child. Then, the dad shot himself. The little girl watched it all. She then was sent to a foster home.

The foster mother was a Christian and took the child to church. On the first day of Sunday School, the foster mother told the teacher that the girl had never heard of Jesus, and to have patience with her. The teacher held up a picture of Jesus and said, 'Does anyone know who this is?' The little girl said, 'I do, that's the man who was holding me the night my parents died.'

See... what could possibly go wrong.. when you have HIM holding you..at your worst??!!

Before I leave..here's a few question to be contemplated..

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell..

Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says..

Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says..

Funny how someone can say 'I believe in God' but still follow Satan..

Funny how we can go to church for Christ on Sunday, but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week..

Funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me..

It touched me!!..hope it did the same to you!!..=)

Good night and god bless!!

4 hours break

So here I am again.. all alone, stranded in the corner of the world.. awaiting for someone to save me from the eye of evil..

Hehehe.. chill chill..no such thing.. I'm in UCSI ICT.. surrounded by over 40+ students.. together with the annoying vibration of the printer and keyboard sounds..topped with little chit-chats..here and there..=)

Something interesting happen today.. I entered the so-called "ladies coach!!" in KTM ..hehe..which I didnt see the point of them seperating female and male..because I was surrounded by 3 really BUFFED guys!!.. and they're like twice my height k!!.. I felt like a mice in a paddy field..don't ask how or why..I just had that imagination..lol..so much for seperating the sexes la..

Ok that wasnt the interesting part..This is the insteresting part.. While I was strugling to put my self into one piece when we reach Serdang station, suddenly I heard someone say this.."PLEASE USE YOUR BLOODY COMMON SENSE!!" ..I was literally laughing out laud..but then forced to shut myself when I found out that I was the only one laughing.. which got me thinking.."where is your sense of humour people??!!" ..I mean come on!!.. I hate waking early in the morning..and getting squashed like a bug too..but sometimes entertainment like "bloody common sense!!" ..is badly needed to spice up the day!!..=)

and before that..we shall all thank Jon for deciding to come to UCSI..and also taking the public transport ..and hence finding me a friend to break the silence, for the next 3 years!!..weeeee!! hehehehe..and coincidently, jon was right next to the lady who was pissed off..according to him, these were her exact words.. "can you all get out of the effing train!! as it it we have minimal air here to breathe!!..please use your bloody common sense!!" ...I dropped my jaw when I heard that.. and then started laughing when another lady said this.."sometimes we need people like this.." ..lol.. and the next minute..they stopped pushing us inside!!.. and you know what is the worse part??..the poor pissed off lady was pregnant!!..sighhh.. my heart melted when I heard that.. I don't blame her..for her words.. I mean..if I myself, being the normal me was halfway nearing dead gasping for air in the overcrowded train..imagine how would she feel..with an additional weight in her stomach!!..

But I don't blame the passengers outside the train too.. I mean who knows what occasion they might have..proabably an interview for a new job..or scholarship.. and of cause work.. or a daymm 8am class in the morning..like me.. so yeah.. but I do agree..all of this would not have occured if..the train has not been cancelled...or delayed.. or if they had more coaches!!.. sigh..

Well anyway.. that was how I started my day with.. was on time though..for my 8am class!..=) next class at 2pm..meaning i have 4 hours break!!.. so hence the extra time and need to blog..

and guess what??..i started writing my own story.. hehe about 2 paragragh.. I stopped after that when I didnt know how my story line should be..as in should I let the girl die.. or live.. hmmm..lol.. i know i know.. that's the most important part.. but yeah..I'll work on it..

K..I crapped more than enough today.. I shall continue..when I feel like it..

Thanks for dropping by!!..have a nice day..=)

400th post

Guess what??..hehehe..this is my 400th post!!...weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!....*applause!!* ..hehee..

Sigh..but something is not right.. something is soooo wrong somewhere.. I dont know what.. but yeah.. I don't feel umm..relieved.. sigh..

What do you do??..when you have such feeling huh??..

Normally..I'll blog.. but I dont even know what is wrong..

Please don't bother me.. I wont be sleeping tonight..if I didnt crap!!..

Talking about sleeping.. I had the weirdest of the weirdest dream...

But I forgot half of it..heheh..

But I got up feeling weird.. =(

Well anyway..this post is just to inform that this is my 400TH post!!..in 1 1/4 years!!..

Nope..I'm not lifeless..

Stay tune till i reach my 500th post!!..hehe

10 mins before class

I have 10 minutes before my class starts..

but I have to say this before I face my worst nightmare.. You know..whats the best part of starting every new sem??..hehehe.. You get to "show off" to the juniors..hehe..lame i know.. but when I walked down the stairs.. you can actually see who's new and whos not!!.. it's written on their faces.. so excited!!..so unconfident!!..so erm..fearful.. some even came with their mom.. hehe.. gee..as much as protective my mom is..thank God she never followed me!! .. hehe..

and I wished every morning was like today.. well, I kinda got up early..knowing the timing of KTM and the bus.. I didnt wanna be late.. but guess what?..I was an hour early!!..shheessh.. everything was in fact ON TIME!!..the moment I reached the station..i didnt have to wait..and so was the UCSI bus!!.. wow.. but you see rite..whenever I'm early..its will come on time..and when I'm not..grrrr!!..

I think I shall leave now.. and face my NEW classmates..babi pinky not coming today.. sigh..

Lord, please dont let them think I'm weird... and let the class not be bored.. and please please dont let me embarrasse myself.. even if I did..please cover it for me k??!!..=) amen!!
Love ya!!..muaxxx

My endless love

Guilty!!..I'm extremely guilty for having BIG APPLE's doughnut and Aunty Annie's Pretzel.. all together at the same time!!..sigh..

Dear God, as much as I don't believe that I'm losing weight.. that doesnt mean that I wanna gain weight either.. so hear me..please!!..amen!!..=)

And I don't know why people always presume that I'm always EMOING in fb.. goodness gracious.. Its just that..that certain line or lyrics..happen to be on my mind.. and i guess there must be a reason..why it doesnt wanna leave my mind..so i write it down..as my status.. as simple as that!!.. that's the problem with us humans.. Our minds are actually made FOR simple things..but we love complicating them..by thinking and talking and complaining bout it.. and hence..we mess up our own life!!..sigh..

But anyway.. I know this song is really really OLD..and a lil bit tooo err..ok very very mushy..and lovey dovey.. but I think I'll add this song to my list.. ehehehe.. the list of songs to be played in my wedding..if I happen to get married..=)

hehe..dont bother me..I already have a list of songs to be played for my funeral..and of cause wedding..=)

ENDLESS LOVE (Diana Ross and Lionel Ritchie)

My love, there's only you in my life,
The only thing that's right.
My first love, you're every breath that I take,
You're every step I make.
And I, I want to share, all my love with you,
No one else will do.
And your eyes, they tell me how much you care.
Oh yes, you will always be, my endless love.

Two hearts, two hearts that beat as one.
Our lives have just begun.
Forever, I'll hold you close in my arms,
I can't resist your charm.
My love, I'll be a fool, for you I'm sure,
You know I don't mind.
Cause you, you mean the world to me.
Oh, I know I've found in you, my endless love.

And love, I'll be that fool, for you, I'm sure.
You know I don't mind.
And yes, you'll be the only one.
Cause no one can deny,
This love I have its fine.
I'll give it all to you,
My love, my love, my endless love.

hehe..so sweet huh??..sigh..

Its gonna be a long night tonite..
hope urs wont be as bad as mine though..=(

HIM!!...=D

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

I dont know why..but I just feeling like "weeeee-inggg!!!" ..well you should too.. sometimes it's better to have that "I don't care" feeling.. though the whole world is against you.. though you might be facing the worst situation ever.. though you feel like you're all alone in this whole world.. well think again, there is someone out who is LONELY and all alone without you.. someone who longs to hear You every night.. someone who wants to make it better..if only you allow Him too..someone who dares to say "You are mine" ..=)

Well seriously, if I'm alive today.. and still able to sit here and key in whatever words that is coming out of mind..knowing that I can fall into the pit any moment.. knowing that a car can just hit me anytime I step the road..*I always have communication breakdown with cars..=(*.. knowing that I might break a leg or hurt my elbow every time I trip..*my body is very sensitive to clumsiness*..;p..knowing that my last semester result will be even worse than I could ever imagine..well, there is only one and only reason why I can still smile.. its because of HIM..=D

Have you heard of Him??...
I didn't like HIM at the beginning.. because if its not for HIM.. I could have slept longer every Sunday.. and didnt have to attend Sunday Classes..!!..=(
I didnt have to say the rosary every night.. *mom's rule!!* ..worst part..I cannot afford to miss any bead..or else she'll give me that deadly stare..sigh..

But as years passed by...
I found out..He aint that bad.. not bad at all..
He protects me..even without me asking Him to do so..
He stood by me.. every time my eyes leaked and I couldn't stop crying..
He listens.. sometimes that's what a girl needs the most.. someone to listen..and not say anything.. she feels so much better after letting it all out..=)
He jokes around..hehe.. yes!!..He really does!!..especially with me.. that's why you see me around every time there's a blunder!!..lol
And the best part.. after every failure, every mistake, every sorrow.. He leaves a miracle beneath it.. where something GREAT is bound to happen..=)

Amazing isn't it??..to know that there is someone who loves you so much..even if you keep on hurting Him..over and over.. to have someone love you..at your worst..to have someone to heal your wounds and wipe your tears..=)

It's not to late to get to know Him..you know.. In fact He is available at this very moment.. He knocks at your door.. the choice is in Your hands.. to allow Him to enter or not.. trust me..you wouldn't loose anything..but instead gain a lot more!!..don't wait till the last moment..for He has a lot in store for you!!..=D

Oh yeah..and most importantly He asked me to say this to You..

"Do not be afraid..I am with you..
I have called you each by name..
Come and follow me..
I will bring you home..
I love you and you are mine.."

God bless you!!